Random thoughts and updates for the week+, in no particular order.
1. Officially started trading for the new fund on Tuesday. It's been exhausting but I love being completely immersed in my work and my level of concentration and focus has been through the roof, if I can say so myself. But as soon as the closing bell rings, it hits me that my eyes are incredibly sore and I can physically feel the stress in the back of my neck/head.
2. As I get older, I realize that I need to go to LA often NOT to spend time with my friends, but to spend more time with MY MOM. I admit that for the most part, my trips have been more about spending time with friends and I even went many times without even telling my mom and spent entire weekends at a friend's house. My mom is the only family I have and it's scary how fast time flies. I promise to myself that I will never make "secret" trips down to LA again. And please, pardon me if I want to stay home from time to time.
3. I've never 'heard' so many "happy birthday"s in one day. I usually delete them from my wall ASAP but decided to leave them from now on. Thank you all for the posts, I appreciate every single one of them.
4. There are a lot of really good people around me and I continue to meet good, solid people. I had so much fun tailgating at the UCLA vs Cal game and found myself asking (again), "Why don't I hang out with these guys more?!"I really plan and hope to, if they let me.
5. Remember a while back, I was half-jokingly debating joining an online dating site? Well my friend told me about a free site so I worked up the courage and actually made a profile, complete with a couple pictures. I haven't really looked much because I can think of 37 better things to do with my free time but I did receive a couple unsolicited messages from seemingly normal girls and they even have all their limbs. I'll be honest, it was a nice little confidence booster but I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do next. O_o
6. I recently saw some friends that I haven't seen in a really long time (since elementary, high school, etc) and there's always that warm feeling you get when you see them and they seem genuinely happy to see you.
7. I was trying to schedule an MRI for my shoulder at the UCSF Sports Medicine Group and the lady helping me asks, "Will your mother or father accompany you?" Then she asks how old I am and says, "Oh my~" Hahaha, I was wearing just a hoodie and jeans but come on, lady... But thank you. ^^
8. My friends have been jokingly(?) commenting about my arms and I HONESTLY did not realize they were getting that big until I saw the pictures. But really, I think the pictures add a few pounds, right?! Either way, I will tone/slim it down. :(
9. I'm ridiculously independent and being the only child, have spent most of my life being perfectly fine doing things and being alone. But I couldn't help this thought come across my mind this past week - spent my birthday alone, went to the hospital alone to be told that I need surgery, thinking about going to get surgery alone then coming home alone... I can honestly say that this thought didn't make me sad, it really just made me smile and shake my head... at myself. :)
10. Even with #9, I feel like I'm at a pretty good place right now and feel optimistic about things to come. I was listening to this song below (yes, I know it's old) and these words jumped out at me - "when I say I'ma do something I do it... I'ma be what I set out to be... And I just can't keep living this way... so starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage... I FEEL AMAZING AND I'M NOT AFRAID." Yea, you could say my confidence level is on the high side right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s&ob=av2n
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
I Love Me
A while ago, someone anonymously commented on my blog with the advice, "이기적인게 가끔필요해. 좋은말론, 자신을 더 많이 사랑하도록 해봐." Translation: "You sometimes need to be selfish. To put it nicely, love yourself a lot more."
I find this advice to be more true as I get older. You have to be selfish at times, love yourself the most and in the end, you have to do what's best for you. Obviously, I'm not saying be completely selfish and don't love or do anything for others. But you can't live your life FOR another person, you have to live for yourself and find happiness for yourself. Now what makes us happy differs for us all but I think putting ourselves in this mindset and truly believing that our actions are self-serving will make everything easier.
Example 1. After a breakup, we often find ourselves resenting our exes and saying things like, "but I did this and this FOR him/her and I really didn't want to do it!" Hey, I've been there. We've all been there and probably said something similar. But ultimately, that's on us for doing something we really didn't want to do so why blame and criticize someone we sincerely cared about? Now what if we think about it in another way, that we did things for OUR happiness and didn't think of it as doing something FOR our ex? I can say I did things for girls I've dated that I didn't really want to do (for example, go eat something I don't really want to eat) but I can honestly say that it was more for MY happiness because when we like someone, the simple idea that we're the ones who can make them happy makes us happy (cheesy, I know). So even after a breakup, instead of resenting our ex and complaining that we did things we didn't want to do, we can say, "sure, it was uncomfortable but I did it because it made me happy and I don't regret it and don't resent him/her at all."
Example 2. Again after a breakup and after the initial resentment, we often find ourselves blaming ourselves for the breakup, losing our confidence and asking questions like, "what did I do wrong" or "what's wrong with me". Now unless it's crystal clear that you're really the one who messed it all up, another way to think about it is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. By learning to love ourselves instead of blaming ourselves, we can simply say, "we just weren't compatible. I'm a pretty good catch and I'm sure I'll meet someone who I'm compatible with." Again, no finger-pointing and blaming yourself because the reality is, you probably are a good catch and there's someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are.
Example 3. Careers. You have to be selfish here and do what makes you happy, not your parents and not your friends. We all know people who constantly complain about their jobs. Yes, your parents want you to be a doctor/lawyer but can you really do something you don't like doing every day for the next 30-40 years because "it pays the bills"? You get one shot at life and that seems like a very miserable way to live, if you ask me. I understand not all of us are blessed with being able to do what we love to do but please, don't do something you HATE doing.
There's actually a reason for this post. It's been a really odd month and I find myself giving this advice to quite a few friends lately due to a variety of reasons. Being able to take care of my friends actually makes me very happy but I'm honestly not sure if I should be the go-to-guy for advice and talks. But I can honestly say that I have been trying to follow the advice of the anonymous commenter and I do find myself happier and more at ease with my life so it seems like the best I can do now is to just share the advice with you.
Love yourself, be selfish at times. It's your life, you should be your first priority.
I find this advice to be more true as I get older. You have to be selfish at times, love yourself the most and in the end, you have to do what's best for you. Obviously, I'm not saying be completely selfish and don't love or do anything for others. But you can't live your life FOR another person, you have to live for yourself and find happiness for yourself. Now what makes us happy differs for us all but I think putting ourselves in this mindset and truly believing that our actions are self-serving will make everything easier.
Example 1. After a breakup, we often find ourselves resenting our exes and saying things like, "but I did this and this FOR him/her and I really didn't want to do it!" Hey, I've been there. We've all been there and probably said something similar. But ultimately, that's on us for doing something we really didn't want to do so why blame and criticize someone we sincerely cared about? Now what if we think about it in another way, that we did things for OUR happiness and didn't think of it as doing something FOR our ex? I can say I did things for girls I've dated that I didn't really want to do (for example, go eat something I don't really want to eat) but I can honestly say that it was more for MY happiness because when we like someone, the simple idea that we're the ones who can make them happy makes us happy (cheesy, I know). So even after a breakup, instead of resenting our ex and complaining that we did things we didn't want to do, we can say, "sure, it was uncomfortable but I did it because it made me happy and I don't regret it and don't resent him/her at all."
Example 2. Again after a breakup and after the initial resentment, we often find ourselves blaming ourselves for the breakup, losing our confidence and asking questions like, "what did I do wrong" or "what's wrong with me". Now unless it's crystal clear that you're really the one who messed it all up, another way to think about it is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. By learning to love ourselves instead of blaming ourselves, we can simply say, "we just weren't compatible. I'm a pretty good catch and I'm sure I'll meet someone who I'm compatible with." Again, no finger-pointing and blaming yourself because the reality is, you probably are a good catch and there's someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are.
Example 3. Careers. You have to be selfish here and do what makes you happy, not your parents and not your friends. We all know people who constantly complain about their jobs. Yes, your parents want you to be a doctor/lawyer but can you really do something you don't like doing every day for the next 30-40 years because "it pays the bills"? You get one shot at life and that seems like a very miserable way to live, if you ask me. I understand not all of us are blessed with being able to do what we love to do but please, don't do something you HATE doing.
There's actually a reason for this post. It's been a really odd month and I find myself giving this advice to quite a few friends lately due to a variety of reasons. Being able to take care of my friends actually makes me very happy but I'm honestly not sure if I should be the go-to-guy for advice and talks. But I can honestly say that I have been trying to follow the advice of the anonymous commenter and I do find myself happier and more at ease with my life so it seems like the best I can do now is to just share the advice with you.
Love yourself, be selfish at times. It's your life, you should be your first priority.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
아이처럼
아이들은 참 아름답다... 외모를 말하는게 아니라 아이들의 마음 말이다... 솔직함. 믿음. 소망.
아이들은 스펀지 같다... 모든걸 듣고, 믿고, 흡수하고, 빨아드려 버린다. 사실 너무 믿어서 아이들에게 제일 먼저 가르치는게 모르는 사람들을 믿지 말고 따라가면 안돼는것...
어른들은 아니다... 너무 많은걸 의심하고, 너무 많은걸 수상해 한다... 살면서 거짓말 당하고, 사기 당하고, 믿는 사람한테 배반당하고, 좋아하는 사람한테 상처받고... 그래서 믿음을 잃고, 이기적이게 돼고, 어릴때 소망도 잊어버리고...
나도 마찬가지다... 거짓말 당해서, 배반당해서, 상처받아서... 믿음을 잊고, 이기적이게 돼고... 그리고 그 번명으로 남에게 상처주고...
하지만 내 소망, 꿈은 아직 간직하고 있다... 그래서 다시 아이 처럼 믿고 싶다... 내 꿈을 이루려면 믿음이 필요하기 때문에... 사람에겐 믿음이 필요하기 때문에... 이 세상엔 믿음이 필요하기 때문에...
아이들은 스펀지 같다... 모든걸 듣고, 믿고, 흡수하고, 빨아드려 버린다. 사실 너무 믿어서 아이들에게 제일 먼저 가르치는게 모르는 사람들을 믿지 말고 따라가면 안돼는것...
어른들은 아니다... 너무 많은걸 의심하고, 너무 많은걸 수상해 한다... 살면서 거짓말 당하고, 사기 당하고, 믿는 사람한테 배반당하고, 좋아하는 사람한테 상처받고... 그래서 믿음을 잃고, 이기적이게 돼고, 어릴때 소망도 잊어버리고...
나도 마찬가지다... 거짓말 당해서, 배반당해서, 상처받아서... 믿음을 잊고, 이기적이게 돼고... 그리고 그 번명으로 남에게 상처주고...
하지만 내 소망, 꿈은 아직 간직하고 있다... 그래서 다시 아이 처럼 믿고 싶다... 내 꿈을 이루려면 믿음이 필요하기 때문에... 사람에겐 믿음이 필요하기 때문에... 이 세상엔 믿음이 필요하기 때문에...
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
가시나무
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ewe9n__oe5Q
가시나무
작사,곡: 하덕규
내 속엔 내가 너무도 많아 당신의 쉴 곳 없네
내 속엔 헛된 바램들로 당신의 편할 곳 없네
내 속엔 내가 어쩔 수 없는 어둠 당신의 쉴 자리를 뺏고
내 속엔 내가 이길 수 없는 슬픔 무성한 가시나무 숲 같네
바람만 불면... 그 메마른 가지 서로 부대끼며 울어대고
쉴곳을 찾아 지쳐 날아온 어린 새들도 가시에 찔려 날아가고
바람만 불면... 외롭고 또 괴로워 슬픈 노래를 부르던 날이 많았는데
내 속엔 내가 너무도 많아서 당신의 쉴 곳 없네
This song really touched me. When I heard it for the first time yesterday, I felt like I was watching a montage of my life go by in slow motion. It made me reflect back on my past, my thoughts, actions, my behavior and relationships with people.
My friend always told me, "you don't give people a chance." Looking back, I really didn't have any room left in myself to give people a chance to come inside because I was too full of myself... too full of my own sorrows, my own pride, my own bitterness, my own sense of entitlement... And if someone happened to get close, I took my issues out on them and probably hurt them so they'd never come back.
I sometimes try really hard to remember how I spent 2009 but I honestly can't remember too much of it. I don't know if some of the memories I have are from 2009 or 2010 or maybe some other year. Only thing I can tell people is that I made the most amount of money that year but by the end of it, I had spent it all and didn't have anything to show for it. Maybe it'll all come to me one day... Or maybe it'll forever remain lost somewhere in my mind...
This isn't meant to be another emo post. The song just made me reflect and I wanted to get it down somewhere...
*edit* removed last few lines from the original post. If you caught it before I removed it, congratulations. :)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
만남... 그리고 이별...
난 또 이별이 있더라도 꼭 아름답게 사랑하고 더 아름답게 보내고 싶다...언제든지 마음에 준비를 해두면 가능한 일이겠지... 근데 이별의 마음을 준비하고 시작을하는 나는... 아직 다 고쳐지진 안았나보다...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmQttohVrp0
웃어는 주자 행복했다면
두 뺨 가득히 눈물 흘러내려도
붙잡진 말자 사랑했다면
눈물 날만큼 사랑했음 된거야
주저 앉을 듯이 견뎌보고
금방이고 죽을 듯이 울다보면
또 하루가 간다
내 손으로 보낸다 내가 너를 보낸다
돌아오지 말아 행복하게 살아
살아가다 한 번쯤 누가 나를 묻더라도
아무렇지 않기를 그냥 웃어주기를
아쉬워 말자 진실했다면
우리 사랑은 오래 기억 될테니
그리워 말자 미워도 말자
못 견딜 만큼 사랑했음 된거야
주저 앉을 듯이 견뎌보고
금방이고 죽을 듯이 울다보면
또 하루가 간다
내 손으로 보낸다 내가 너를 보낸다
돌아오지 말아 행복하게 살아
살아가다 한 번쯤 누가 나를 묻더라도
아무렇지 않기를 그냥 웃어주기를
이 세상이 끝나고 저 하늘이 있다면
그때 다시 사랑하자 둘이
죽기 전에 한 번쯤 누가 우릴 묻더라면
추억이라 해두자 그 쯤이라 해두자
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmQttohVrp0
웃어는 주자 행복했다면
두 뺨 가득히 눈물 흘러내려도
붙잡진 말자 사랑했다면
눈물 날만큼 사랑했음 된거야
주저 앉을 듯이 견뎌보고
금방이고 죽을 듯이 울다보면
또 하루가 간다
내 손으로 보낸다 내가 너를 보낸다
돌아오지 말아 행복하게 살아
살아가다 한 번쯤 누가 나를 묻더라도
아무렇지 않기를 그냥 웃어주기를
아쉬워 말자 진실했다면
우리 사랑은 오래 기억 될테니
그리워 말자 미워도 말자
못 견딜 만큼 사랑했음 된거야
주저 앉을 듯이 견뎌보고
금방이고 죽을 듯이 울다보면
또 하루가 간다
내 손으로 보낸다 내가 너를 보낸다
돌아오지 말아 행복하게 살아
살아가다 한 번쯤 누가 나를 묻더라도
아무렇지 않기를 그냥 웃어주기를
이 세상이 끝나고 저 하늘이 있다면
그때 다시 사랑하자 둘이
죽기 전에 한 번쯤 누가 우릴 묻더라면
추억이라 해두자 그 쯤이라 해두자
Saturday, September 10, 2011
사랑 그 쓸쓸함에 대하여
beautifully written. on repeat tonight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=El-YnYkXKF0&feature=related
도무지 알 수 없는 한가지
사람을 사랑한다는 그일
참 쓸쓸한 일인 것 같아
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=El-YnYkXKF0&feature=related
도무지 알 수 없는 한가지
사람을 사랑한다는 그일
참 쓸쓸한 일인 것 같아
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Words to Live By
말은 성실하게 하라.
행동은 공경스럽게 하라.
음식은 절도있게 먹으라.
글씨는 반듯하게 써라.
용모는 단정하게 하라.
옷매무새는 깨끗하게 하라.
걸음거리는 편안하게 하라.
거처는 조용하게 하라.
일은 계획을 세워 시작하라.
말을 하였으면 반드시 실천하라.
늘 덕성을 견지하라.
허락은 신중이 하라.
착함을 보면 내 일처럼 기뻐하라.
나쁨을 보면 내 병처럼 미워하라.
행동은 공경스럽게 하라.
음식은 절도있게 먹으라.
글씨는 반듯하게 써라.
용모는 단정하게 하라.
옷매무새는 깨끗하게 하라.
걸음거리는 편안하게 하라.
거처는 조용하게 하라.
일은 계획을 세워 시작하라.
말을 하였으면 반드시 실천하라.
늘 덕성을 견지하라.
허락은 신중이 하라.
착함을 보면 내 일처럼 기뻐하라.
나쁨을 보면 내 병처럼 미워하라.
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