How Embarrassing.

What motivates you? What pushes you to do the things you do and what makes you want to become a better person?

I'll be COMPLETELY honest and admit to something I've always known but was never able to tell anyone. For a while now, a huge driving force in my life has been something along the lines of... vengeance, revenge, vindication.

"죽어도 다시는 누가 나보고 못난놈, 자기내들과 비교안돼는놈이라는 말을 못하게 위해서..."
(So that never again will someone be able to say to me that I'm below them, that I don't even compare to them...)

For a while, I was consumed by this thought. I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to be as perfect as I can be so that I can show them the terrible mistake they made. I thought that the best way to get revenge was to become the person that they never thought I could be and then some. I wanted to make them regret it and eat those words...


I recently watched a documentary called "Don't Cry, Tonj" with my mom. It's about a Korean man named Lee Tae-Seok who finishes medical school but decides to become a priest and chooses to live in a small town full of Hansen's (leprosy) diseased-patients in Tonj, Sudan. There, Father Lee provides the first clothes/shoes for the natives, builds the first hospital to save lives, builds the first school to provide education, creates the first brass-band to teach kids how to play instruments, and the list goes on and on. But unfortunately, with so many plans and goals still unfulfilled, Father Lee passes away at the very young age of 48 from colorectal cancer, the same cancer that took my stepdad... Forget all the communication barriers. The effect his death has on the people of Tonj and their reactions to it had my mom and I crying throughout the entire movie and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. Father Lee's actions were purely motivated by his love and desire to help people and I couldn't believe what one man was able to do for the people of Tonj...

After the movie ended, my mom just looked at me and asked...
"이런사람들보면, 우리 삶이 좀 부끄럽지않니?"
(When you see people like this, isn't our lives a little embarrassing?)

It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about the documentary and Father Lee. I couldn't help but think about why I still feel motivated by anger and vengeance and can't seem to forget and let go... But I will try my best.


Because yes. I am pretty f***ing embarrassed.