잊혀지지 않는 사람...

이 글을 쓸까말까 많이 고민했다...
근데 어차피 이건 나를 위한 공간 이고 읽는 사람도 별로없으니까 괜찮겠지...


이 노래 듣고 눈물을 흘렸다

아직 어리지만 살다보면 사랑하는 사람과도 해어져야할때가 있다는걸 나는 배웠다... 그땐 그녀를 위해 떠나는거라며 내 자신을 설득했지만 많이 아팠지...

하지만 더 아픈건 시간이 흘러도 그게 오른 선택이였는지 아직까지 모르는 나... 조금만 더 노력했으면 괜찮았을까 하는 나...

잊어버렸다고 생각해도 잊혀지지 않는 사람... 잊을라고 노력해도 잊혀지지 않는 사람...

이젠 잊을라고 노력하지않고, 좋은 추억만 소중하게 간직하고 살고싶다...

Personality Trait #231

I was exchanging some texts with a friend on Friday night (because I don't really talk on the phone) about how we both had no plans for the night and here's kind of how it went:

Me: Oh I don't really do anything 90% of the time here in NorCal.
Him: Dude you should call me up whenever you want to hang out.
Me: Yea, I don't really initiate plans with people. If my friends call me and I'm free, I'll go out to hang out unless it sounds really uninteresting but I almost never initiate the plans.
Him: Why??? You need to initiate man.

The reason I don't initiate comes down to 2 main reasons.
1. I really just don't mind staying home, I always find something to keep myself busy and these days, I can use and want the study time.
2. The subject of this post - MY PERSONALITY.

Now I decided to blog about this because I sometimes hear it from my friends that I never call to hang out with them, especially when I'm in LA. I'm sure some of my friends think that I just don't want to hang out with them or I'm busy or I'm too popular and don't have time for them (my favorite). These, especially the last one, couldn't be more wrong. It's just my personality to not really initiate plans with people unless I'm deathly bored or have something specific in mind. I almost never have any weekend plans and it just comes down to who, if anyone, asks me to hang out first. So please don't be or act butthurt if I'm in town and don't call/initiate to see you. People usually know when I'm in town through my Facebook page. I know that may sound a little ridiculous but if you're a FB user and honestly never visit my FB page, then that probably also means that you don't really care whether I'm in town or not so I think it's fair.

My thoughts have a tendency to run wild so this whole post got me thinking... THIS is probably why I've almost always ended up dating girls who are the initiators or the "aggressors" as some would say. Combine my frustrating(?) personality with the fact that I'm clueless with girls naturally leads me to date girls who are more direct and assertive. Examples? I never even kissed my 1st girlfriend... and my 2nd girlfriend had to literally sit on me and kissed me and later told me she thought I would never kiss her first... HAHA anyways...

This post is kind of a half-hearted apology if I've made you feel like I don't want to hang out with you. Half-hearted because I don't want to make anyone feel that way but it's also my personality and makes me who I am...

Oh, but girls who are TOO aggressive, that's just a little scary/intimidating and makes me not want to hang out with you.

Anti-Smoking Campaign

So I've been on this mini anti-smoking rant lately to some of my friends. I think it started after having a serious discussion with my friend about the sad fact that non-smokers seem to be a rarity now, especially in K-town. But I'm not writing to say smoking is good or bad, I'm writing to say having a preference for non-smokers is exactly that, a PREFERENCE.

I feel like some people think that I (or anyone who prefers to have non-smoking gfs/bfs) am passing judgment on them because they smoke and this couldn't be more wrong. Some of my closest friends smoke and they are some of the kindest, awesomest people I've ever known and I love them dearly. Does it bother me that they smoke? No. Do I think any less of them because they smoke? Absolutely not. Do I wish they quit smoking? Yes, because I want all my friends to be as healthy as they can be. But as soon as I say something like "I don't want to date a girl that smokes", some people get all defensive and fight back saying things like "smoking doesn't make them bad" or "but they're really nice and smart" or "don't judge them because they smoke" and on and on and on... My response to this is: ALL I SAID WAS I DON'T WANT TO DATE A SMOKER! I never said anything about smokers being bad people or not nice or not smart or that I was judging them! I just personally really don't like the smell or taste of cigarettes so I would rather not have to smell or taste it if possible. It's my preference.

So don't get all unnecessarily offended when I'm just stating my preference. What's the difference between saying "I don't want to date a smoker" and "I don't want to date someone with a missing arm/leg" and "I don't want to date a videogamer"?! They're all preferences people have and it's not wrong to have them. (I threw in the last one because I used to be a big videogamer and have heard girls say that before hahaha).

You know... this used to be a rule of mine. I have NEVER had a girlfriend that smoked. I recently debated letting it slide because it seems like almost everyone I meet now smoke and some of them are awesome and I find them interesting... but I decided that this would be me settling and caving in and I don't want that... so I'm still going to keep it a rule.

On a somewhat related note: I am SO digging girls with short hairstyles these days. Another rule of mine used to be that a girl needed to have straight, long hair... but that's gone completely out the window. A girl who looks good with short hair takes the spot now so rules can change.

But the non-smoker rule is here to stay.

So short-haired non-smoking girl = automatic +2 points.

Damn, I sound really picky.

I am.

오늘같은 날엔...

진짜 오늘같은 날엔...

나를 꽉 안아주고 다 괜찮다고 자상하게, 진심으로 말해주는 마음 착한 여자친구 한명 곁에있었으면 좋겠다. 잘 못마시는 술도 같이 마셔주면서 애교떨며 내 기분 풀어주는 그녀... 그런 여자라면 나도 진짜 잘해줄 자신있는대...

노래 가사처럼, 친한 친구에게도 못하는 얘기가 많은 바보같이 소심한 나... 그런 여자라면 나도 진짜 편하게 내 마음 다 털어놀 자신있는대...

오늘은 그냥 누구랑 있는대로 취해보고싶지만... 여기엔 그럴만한 친구들도 없는거갔다....

난 혼자 있는것을 좋아하지만... 오늘같은 날엔 힘들다...

그남자

Lyrics in bold hit too close for comfort

한 남자가 그대를 사랑합니다
그 남자는 열심히 사랑합니다
매일 그림자처럼 그대를 따라다니며
그 남자는 웃으며 울고 있어요

얼마나 얼마나 더 너를
이렇게 바라만 보며 혼자
이 바람 같은 사랑 이 거지 같은 사랑
계속해야 네가 나를 사랑 하겠니

조금만 가까이 와 조금만
한발 다가가면 두 발 도망가는
널 사랑하는 난 지금도 옆에 있어
그 남잔 웁니다

그 남자는 성격이 소심합니다
그래서 웃는 법을 배웠답니다
친한 친구에게도 못하는 얘기가 많은
그 남자의 마음은 상처투성이

그래서 그 남자는 그댈
널 사랑 했대요 똑같아서
또 하나같은 바보 또 하나같은 바보
한번 나를 안아주고 가면 안 돼요

난 사랑받고 싶어 그대여
매일 속으로만 가슴 속으로만
소리를 지르며 그 남자는 오늘도
그 옆에 있대요

그 남자가 나라는 건 아나요
알면서도 이러는 건 아니죠
모를 거야 그댄 바보니까

얼마나 얼마나 더 너를
이렇게 바라만 보며 혼자
이 바보 같은 사랑 이 거지 같은 사랑
계속해야 네가 나를 사랑 하겠니

조금만 가까이 와 조금만
한발 다가가면 두 발 도망가는
널 사랑하는 난 지금도 옆에 있어
그 남잔 웁니다

가사...

Someday

언젠간 이 눈물이 멈추길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길

지친 내 모습이 조금씩 지겨워지는 걸 느끼면
다 버리고 싶죠 힘들게 지켜오던 꿈을
가진 것보다는 부족한 것이 너무나도 많은 게
느껴질 때마다 다리에 힘이 풀려서 나 주저앉죠

언젠간 이 눈물이 멈추길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길

기다리면 언젠간 오겠지
밤이 길어도 해는 뜨듯이
아픈 내 가슴도 언젠간 다 낫겠지

괜찮을 거라고 내 스스로를 위로하며 버티는
하루하루가 날 조금씩 두렵게 만들고
나를 믿으라고 말하면서도 믿지 못하는 나는
이제 얼마나 더 오래 버틸 수 있을 지 모르겠어요

날 이젠 도와주길 하늘이 제발 도와주길
나 혼자서만 이겨내기가 점점 더 자신이 없어져요

How Embarrassing.

What motivates you? What pushes you to do the things you do and what makes you want to become a better person?

I'll be COMPLETELY honest and admit to something I've always known but was never able to tell anyone. For a while now, a huge driving force in my life has been something along the lines of... vengeance, revenge, vindication.

"죽어도 다시는 누가 나보고 못난놈, 자기내들과 비교안돼는놈이라는 말을 못하게 위해서..."
(So that never again will someone be able to say to me that I'm below them, that I don't even compare to them...)

For a while, I was consumed by this thought. I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to be as perfect as I can be so that I can show them the terrible mistake they made. I thought that the best way to get revenge was to become the person that they never thought I could be and then some. I wanted to make them regret it and eat those words...


I recently watched a documentary called "Don't Cry, Tonj" with my mom. It's about a Korean man named Lee Tae-Seok who finishes medical school but decides to become a priest and chooses to live in a small town full of Hansen's (leprosy) diseased-patients in Tonj, Sudan. There, Father Lee provides the first clothes/shoes for the natives, builds the first hospital to save lives, builds the first school to provide education, creates the first brass-band to teach kids how to play instruments, and the list goes on and on. But unfortunately, with so many plans and goals still unfulfilled, Father Lee passes away at the very young age of 48 from colorectal cancer, the same cancer that took my stepdad... Forget all the communication barriers. The effect his death has on the people of Tonj and their reactions to it had my mom and I crying throughout the entire movie and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. Father Lee's actions were purely motivated by his love and desire to help people and I couldn't believe what one man was able to do for the people of Tonj...

After the movie ended, my mom just looked at me and asked...
"이런사람들보면, 우리 삶이 좀 부끄럽지않니?"
(When you see people like this, isn't our lives a little embarrassing?)

It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about the documentary and Father Lee. I couldn't help but think about why I still feel motivated by anger and vengeance and can't seem to forget and let go... But I will try my best.


Because yes. I am pretty f***ing embarrassed.