Thoughts.

Not typical of my usual postings but more of a recap of what's been going on and quick thoughts that are running through my mind.

1. I have yet another exam tomorrow, series 56. Shouldn't be a problem but still, I feel like I take too many exams in life. Oh, and updating your blog the day before an exam always feels right.

2. Had lunch with my older sis today (really good friend who I call my older sis, I confide in her and tell her everything). We used to work together at my old company and she's the only person in my life, other than my mom, who tells it to me straight, even if it's negative. She told me today, "I don't understand why they chose you for that job. When you're working, you're an incredibly bitter bitch and mean." The funny thing is, she's the one who hired me at my old company haha. A couple other things she told me before that come to mind right now - "You go from being incredible hulk to incredible sulk", "You can be incredibly charming when you want to be but you choose to be a dick" and "As I watched you play X-Box, I asked myself 'how does he ever pull women?'". I love her.

3. The human mind is so so fickle. I should be appreciative and content that I'm having a really good month at work but instead, I'm still kicking myself over the day I cost myself $120k and think, "it could have been even more!" I hate this about myself.

4. Vegas in a couple of days. I was initially nonchalant about it but now I'm excited. I'm going to secretly use the trip as a celebration of my new job and passing my exam.

5. I live my life in a very structured, robotic way. My nickname is a robot... So let's try to be a little crazy and out there from time to time.

6. I recently realized that being nice and humble really doesn't accomplish much. People will say you're a good person for it but those are just words. I think I've had more people take advantage of it (not sure if it's done on purpose or not) than something good happen from it. So I'm just going to be not-so-nice and say I'm awesome.

7. I've been trying to be more open and direct because I really don't like wasting my time. But I understand that this may sometimes make me come off differently than I intend to. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm just trying to save time.

8. I'm still very black and white when it comes to people. If I decide that I don't like you, it's too late and it's hopeless for you. I don't care if you realize it late.

9. I didn't forget about blogging my ghetto car wash experience. I just need some time to get in the right mindset and mentally put myself back in that environment.

10. 이상하게 끌려. 그냥 너가 누구지 알고싶은데 너무 시간이 없는것갔다. 어짜피 모르는 사람, 좋으면 낭이고 아니면 남인데...

Wake Up Call

I had a serious chat session with my friend today and he told me that he admired my ability to stay focused and constantly move forward with my life. I don't know if I can agree with his praise but I do appreciate the compliment. To be completely honest, I've heard similar compliments before from friends. I've been told I'm someone who "just gets sh*t done" or the "Godfather" because I just quietly take care of business. These are all too high of a praise for me but I appreciate them because it becomes a self-fulfilling compliment for me. It's like I somehow became this responsible friend that they can rely on and it's this very reason that motivates me stay focused and hopefully, continue being that friend. But this post really isn't about patting myself in the back...

It seems like a lot of people I know are in some kind of a funk these days... and by funk I mean some odd/weird/negative/depressing situation.

One of my best AND worst abilities is to completely cut out people, no matter how close they are, from my life without hesitation and I don't take back my decision once it's made. It's my best ability because it allows me to completely separate myself from negative people/situations but it's also my worst because it really shows my cold-hearted and have-no-emotions nature (my friends also call me a "robot" because I have no heart). I know I just jumped from people being in a funk to my ability but they're related because the next part goes out to the aforementioned people.

If you're in a funk and are HONESTLY trying your best to remedy your situation, don't hesitate to come to me and I will try my best to play that "Godfather" role and be there for you. I will drag you out and carry you on my back if I have to. You are NOT a burden.

BUT if you're one of those people who come to me just to complain and ask for advice you have no intention of heeding, then don't bother. You are wasting your time and more importantly, you are wasting mine. I can't stand people who just complain and look for an easy way out without trying their best to remedy the situation. I am cold-hearted and I WILL cut you out of my life because you're doing absolutely nothing but trying to drag me down with you.

I know this post seems like some kind of a threat but it's not meant to be. It's my sick and twisted way of motivating you to try harder. Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're trying your absolute hardest to get out of your funk? My guess is no.

So give yourself a slap and wake the F up.

Real Life

Just got back from LA yesterday. The topic of this entry was on my mind all Sunday/Monday and I wanted to write it as soon as I got back while the thoughts were still clear but I really needed to get some rest before going back to work... so let me just jump right in now.

This past weekend, I FELT change. It's something I always knew was happening and will happen, it's inevitable... but this is the first time I actually FELT it in a big way and it caught me by surprise.

MY FRIENDS ARE ALL GROWING UP, GETTING OLDER, AND MOVING FORWARD WITH THEIR LIVES.

As we grow older, our priorities naturally shift, they have to. I felt like the days of "friendship all day, everyday" is now behind us as our careers, relationships, responsibilities, etc. take precedence. I'm obviously not saying we can never have those days again but an overwhelming bittersweet feeling took hold of me...

Bitter because I relied on my group of friends so much over the past couple years as my escape and they all helped me so much when I was down... and I realize now that I'd have to pick and choose the right times to see and hang out with them, maybe individually, rather than expecting to see everyone all at once every single time I came down.

Sweet because I genuinely believe they are really growing up and moving on to bigger and better things. The road may be bumpy at times but a step forward is a step nonetheless... I also believe that not hanging out with my friends as often doesn't say anything about the strength of our friendship.

To my friends: Some of you are one of the few constants in my life - no matter how little I see or talk to you, you are always there for me and I will always be there for you. Some of you are pleasant surprises - I never expected such kindness from you when you don't even know me well. Some of you are just friends - I realize now that you will never be that great friend I had hoped you would be, no matter how hard I try. But all of you are my friends... and as I now hope to also move forward with my life, I will try my best to appreciate the times we spend together as much as possible because they may be fleeting as we grow beautifully old together.

And as my friend told me this past weekend - "I don't want you to become just another memory."

Secret Garden

So I finally got around to watching 'Secret Garden' that everyone (ok, mostly girls) talked about back in... yea...

I can't believe I'm writing an entry after 'Secret Garden' but some parts of the series really got me thinking... Oh and I almost let June fly by without an entry so there, that's my excuse for writing this entry.

The K-drama is basically about a wealthy guy meeting a poor girl and they fall in love, typical stuff. The part I found interesting was that there's a scene where the guy tells the girl that he knows they won't work out because she's not right for him but he still wants to see her because he finds her interesting and can't get her out of his mind... The reason I found this scene interesting is that my thinking is COMPLETELY opposite! If I meet a girl and think it won't work out, I'll avoid her on purpose even if I find her interesting and want to get to know her better. I'll even go as far as convincing myself that it won't work out like I already know the future or something. I think my friend put it best today when she told me, "you don't give people a chance."

Another scene, actually just a quote, that I really liked was "오는 여잔 막지말고 가는 여잔 잡지말아야죠. 오는 여잔 고맙고 가는 여잔 더 고맙죠." Again, I'm pretty opposite meaning - 난 오는 여잔 다 막거든~

There's really no point to this entry except that I watched it, enjoyed it, recommend it if you have some time to kill. But I realized I can't even watch a mindless drama without thinking too much... UGH.

But if there's one point I'm trying to emphasize, it's this:

이제부턴 오는 여잔 하나도 막지 말아야징~~~ ㅋㅋㅋ 장난(?)

In all seriousness... I should start giving people a chance...

잊혀지지 않는 사람...

이 글을 쓸까말까 많이 고민했다...
근데 어차피 이건 나를 위한 공간 이고 읽는 사람도 별로없으니까 괜찮겠지...


이 노래 듣고 눈물을 흘렸다

아직 어리지만 살다보면 사랑하는 사람과도 해어져야할때가 있다는걸 나는 배웠다... 그땐 그녀를 위해 떠나는거라며 내 자신을 설득했지만 많이 아팠지...

하지만 더 아픈건 시간이 흘러도 그게 오른 선택이였는지 아직까지 모르는 나... 조금만 더 노력했으면 괜찮았을까 하는 나...

잊어버렸다고 생각해도 잊혀지지 않는 사람... 잊을라고 노력해도 잊혀지지 않는 사람...

이젠 잊을라고 노력하지않고, 좋은 추억만 소중하게 간직하고 살고싶다...

Personality Trait #231

I was exchanging some texts with a friend on Friday night (because I don't really talk on the phone) about how we both had no plans for the night and here's kind of how it went:

Me: Oh I don't really do anything 90% of the time here in NorCal.
Him: Dude you should call me up whenever you want to hang out.
Me: Yea, I don't really initiate plans with people. If my friends call me and I'm free, I'll go out to hang out unless it sounds really uninteresting but I almost never initiate the plans.
Him: Why??? You need to initiate man.

The reason I don't initiate comes down to 2 main reasons.
1. I really just don't mind staying home, I always find something to keep myself busy and these days, I can use and want the study time.
2. The subject of this post - MY PERSONALITY.

Now I decided to blog about this because I sometimes hear it from my friends that I never call to hang out with them, especially when I'm in LA. I'm sure some of my friends think that I just don't want to hang out with them or I'm busy or I'm too popular and don't have time for them (my favorite). These, especially the last one, couldn't be more wrong. It's just my personality to not really initiate plans with people unless I'm deathly bored or have something specific in mind. I almost never have any weekend plans and it just comes down to who, if anyone, asks me to hang out first. So please don't be or act butthurt if I'm in town and don't call/initiate to see you. People usually know when I'm in town through my Facebook page. I know that may sound a little ridiculous but if you're a FB user and honestly never visit my FB page, then that probably also means that you don't really care whether I'm in town or not so I think it's fair.

My thoughts have a tendency to run wild so this whole post got me thinking... THIS is probably why I've almost always ended up dating girls who are the initiators or the "aggressors" as some would say. Combine my frustrating(?) personality with the fact that I'm clueless with girls naturally leads me to date girls who are more direct and assertive. Examples? I never even kissed my 1st girlfriend... and my 2nd girlfriend had to literally sit on me and kissed me and later told me she thought I would never kiss her first... HAHA anyways...

This post is kind of a half-hearted apology if I've made you feel like I don't want to hang out with you. Half-hearted because I don't want to make anyone feel that way but it's also my personality and makes me who I am...

Oh, but girls who are TOO aggressive, that's just a little scary/intimidating and makes me not want to hang out with you.

Anti-Smoking Campaign

So I've been on this mini anti-smoking rant lately to some of my friends. I think it started after having a serious discussion with my friend about the sad fact that non-smokers seem to be a rarity now, especially in K-town. But I'm not writing to say smoking is good or bad, I'm writing to say having a preference for non-smokers is exactly that, a PREFERENCE.

I feel like some people think that I (or anyone who prefers to have non-smoking gfs/bfs) am passing judgment on them because they smoke and this couldn't be more wrong. Some of my closest friends smoke and they are some of the kindest, awesomest people I've ever known and I love them dearly. Does it bother me that they smoke? No. Do I think any less of them because they smoke? Absolutely not. Do I wish they quit smoking? Yes, because I want all my friends to be as healthy as they can be. But as soon as I say something like "I don't want to date a girl that smokes", some people get all defensive and fight back saying things like "smoking doesn't make them bad" or "but they're really nice and smart" or "don't judge them because they smoke" and on and on and on... My response to this is: ALL I SAID WAS I DON'T WANT TO DATE A SMOKER! I never said anything about smokers being bad people or not nice or not smart or that I was judging them! I just personally really don't like the smell or taste of cigarettes so I would rather not have to smell or taste it if possible. It's my preference.

So don't get all unnecessarily offended when I'm just stating my preference. What's the difference between saying "I don't want to date a smoker" and "I don't want to date someone with a missing arm/leg" and "I don't want to date a videogamer"?! They're all preferences people have and it's not wrong to have them. (I threw in the last one because I used to be a big videogamer and have heard girls say that before hahaha).

You know... this used to be a rule of mine. I have NEVER had a girlfriend that smoked. I recently debated letting it slide because it seems like almost everyone I meet now smoke and some of them are awesome and I find them interesting... but I decided that this would be me settling and caving in and I don't want that... so I'm still going to keep it a rule.

On a somewhat related note: I am SO digging girls with short hairstyles these days. Another rule of mine used to be that a girl needed to have straight, long hair... but that's gone completely out the window. A girl who looks good with short hair takes the spot now so rules can change.

But the non-smoker rule is here to stay.

So short-haired non-smoking girl = automatic +2 points.

Damn, I sound really picky.

I am.