Self Sabotage

Here I go again...

I seem to do this repeatedly - some good event happens and I initially have a pretty good feeling about it that makes me want the event to happen again. Then I sit and over-think it to death and end up spinning it negatively in my head over and over that I eventually end up convincing myself out of the so-called good event happening again. SELF-SABOTAGE. The most frustrating part about it is that I KNOW this is happening and I still do it. ALL my friends tell me that I need to stop doing this to myself and just go with the flow of things. It's easier said than done.

Frustrating. My personality, my brain, the fact that I think too damn much for my own good. One of the main reasons I keep myself so busy is because being idle makes me think too much about things...

I'm going to try my best to break out of this. I really will.

One of Many...

I have many very attractive female friends, both on the inside AND outside.

Combine this fact with this fact: I'm single.

This situation leads many people to ask me why I don't make an effort to date any of my aforementioned attractive female friends. I constantly get asked "why don't you go for her or her or her?"

Now there are MANY reasons why I choose not to date right now and this is just one of many. It's not the biggest, just one of many reasons.

Reason: I value our friendship too much to take that chance and potentially ruin what might be a long, great friendship.

Like I always say, I'm very skeptical of love so why would I attempt something that I don't even think I can succeed in and lose a friend along the way? I'd rather we stay friends and enjoy the joys that friendship has to offer than end up like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bjy_qKPTX-g

So stop asking.

배려심

Some people just really have no consideration for others. They just do as they please and do whatever they want without thinking about how their actions or inactions will affect anyone else. If you're that type of person and I come to believe this to be true about you, then it's too late for you and we'll never be friends.

One of my friends says I'm an ass, but my friend also says I'm a considerate ass. I hope this is true. Not the ass part but the considerate part. :D

남을배려할줄아는마음... 좀배워.

이젠

늘 혼자 외면하고 혼자 후회하고
늘 휘청거리면서 아닌척을 하고...



이젠 그만할래...

Almost December

I can't believe we're more than half way into November. I look back on the year and ask myself, "What have I done with my life this year?" Sure, I finally started boxing and enrolled/completed an introductory Mandarin course but did I take steps toward becoming a better man? A better person?

My coworker recently asked me, "Why do you keep yourself so busy? Why do you box and hit the gym? Why do you take Mandarin? Why are you trying to become a better person when we're all just going to die anyway?" I honestly couldn't think of a quick, solid answer to his question...

Maybe the better question to ask myself is not whether or not I've become a better person but why I spend so much time and energy trying to better myself...

I kind of have an idea as to why I am the way I am. But the quick answer I give you now is that I find keeping myself busy to be a better solution than keeping myself idle.


"While we are postponing, life speeds by."
- Seneca

Change

I am usually very reluctant and stubborn to change... but sometimes, change is necessary and can be positive.

Like my blog. The black background was pretty rough on the eyes so I changed it. I realized that there are a few more readers than I thought and didn't want to get sued for temporary blindness. Oh and for you friends that read my blog, thank you for having nothing better to do. :D

All jokes aside, I appreciate your time. <3

OH! And you can now comment anonymously so feel free say hi or hate on me.

Timing is Everything...

Do you ever wonder how things would have turned out if you met someone at a different time? When it comes to relationships, I really think that TIMING is more important than THE PERSON.

Is it THE person that all of sudden makes you want to settle down, get married, and start a family?

Or is it when you feel like it's time to settle down and you want to start a family, and A person just happens to be by your side or comes along?

I personally believe it's the latter.


On a side note: I think society/people these days are too concerned about dating and having a bf/gf and putting labels on things. Why can't I just hang out with people I get along with and not have people ask me things like "are you dating/what's going on/how far did you guys go/etc." It's not THAT important people... don't worry about it.

What a Release...

I don't know where it all came from but I seriously broke down and bawled my ass off today and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. At first, I felt ridiculous and stupid and angry at myself for crying but when it wouldn't stop and I just gave up and gave in, it felt amazing, like this huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders and I was releasing every little pent up anger, bitterness, sadness, etc. from my body, mind, and soul. I honestly can't even remember the last time I cried. I didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral, I didn't cry at my aunt's funeral, I shed a few tears at my stepfather's funeral but only because my mom was bawling... I never cried even when some of my friends cried FOR ME at times...

Then today... I cried. No, I cried and cried like a newborn baby. And I didn't hide it, I told my friends... because it felt amazing to just let it all go... It felt so good that I may go cry some more now.


Words that randomly started it all, from a song I've never heard before:

아무렇지 않은 척
웃어야 하나요
나 아무렇지 않은 척
하루가 지나가네요

Cold Side of Me...

Don't make a habit of disappointing me...

Because in the end, you'll be the one that's really disappointed.

Post-Vacation Thoughts

I recently got back from a short vacation to Hawaii with a couple friends. We did what three guys would do on vacation: relax, bond, eat, drink, and act stupid at times. I also personally spent a lot of time thinking about my life... the past, the present, but not so much about the future because I learned in life that no matter how hard you try to plan out your future, life doesn't really work out the way you intended.

Anyways, one very broad conclusion I came to is that I waste a lot of time and energy in a lot of different ways. It could be anything from wasting energy on meaningless "friendships" or wasting time by thinking too much about "relationships" or never getting around to doing that one thing I always told myself I'd do. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I think way too much about things and somehow end up justifying my wasting-time-actions. I know I'm being pretty vague here but I don't really want to get into the specifics or give examples supporting my thoughts. The conclusion is that I'm trying to be more straightforward, open, and stop wasting so much time on meaningless, mundane tasks.

So the first couple things I did when I got back? I signed up for Mandarin I class at the UC Berkeley Extension and I also signed up for the CFA Level II Test for June 2011. I signed up for the test for 2010 but didn't even end up taking the exam because... well, I wasted a lot of time and never got around to studying for it... I honestly don't know how or if I'll be able to squeeze all this in while trying to keep up with my physical activities so wish me luck.


On a side note: A girl told me I'm TOO nice. I believe her exact words were "You're TOO nice. You'd be hotter if you were a dick." I've considered switching to dick-mode but I'm not sure that's a good idea. If I end up being dickish to you and you don't like it, I apologize in advance.

Conflict: Good Son Bad Son?!

I just gave my mom $5k so she can travel to Korea to visit her sister and my cousins and to get some much needed dental work for herself. We've both never been back since we came here when I was 7 so I'm excited and happy for her. I guess that's me trying to play the role of the good son...

But what about what I want?! My life's goals and dreams? I told myself I'd only work in this stressful environment for 5 years before pursuing my goals and dreams. It's now been 5 years and I see no end in sight. Don't get me wrong, my mom is absolutely amazing and she gave up her life for me so it's my duty and privilege to do the same for her and she never asks anything of me... but I'm starting to feel like this responsibility and life is starting to wear me down...

I'm just venting. I've had a ridiculous migraine for the past two days, took literally 18 pills of Excedrine/Ibuprofen/Advil in the past 48 hours and slept less than 7. I think I deserve to vent once in a while. I wish I could scream but no one would hear me anyway.

Touched by an Angel(s)

You know... with my history of judging people and thinking I'm all high and mighty and at one point, having almost no friends at all, I'm constantly amazed and feel so lucky to be surrounded by amazing friends and people in my life now...

I met Liz and Lori on a business trip to Chicago a couple years ago. They worked in my company's Chicago office and they were nice enough to introduce themselves and take me out to dinner with some other office peeps when I visited. I really didn't think much of it then, I thought it was office politics and they were just trying to make people from the San Francisco office feel welcomed.

Then a few months later, my stepdad passed away. And a couple weeks after that I received a random HUGE box just filled with food, snacks, candy, letters, and most importantly, LOVE. It was from Liz and Lori. They found out about my stepdad's passing through one of my coworkers and sent me a ridiculously giant care package. I honestly couldn't believe it at the time... Two people who I just met for a day or two showed so much more care and love than some people I had known for what feels like a lifetime...

I was in Chicago for work and play recently and again, I was amazed at Liz and Lori's generosity and kindness. Liz literally wiped off whatever was on her schedule for the weekend and drove me around everywhere and bought me lunch/dinner and even let me stay with her and her boyfriend for the entire weekend! And Lori currently lives in Hawaii but was in town for a visit and brought me chocolates and coffee from Hawaii in addition to buying me lunch/dinner in Chicago! And honestly, it's no easy feat buying me food when we go out so we literally fought for the checks, had a foot race to pick up pizza, secretly paid our waiter before anyone noticed, and many more shenanigans... Oh and they picked me up and dropped me off at the airport too...

Long story short... Elizabeth and Lori, THANK YOU. I can honestly never thank you enough and you guys are two of the most kind-hearted people in the world. I wish I can be even half as good of a friend to you guys as you guys are to me. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Bowling Sadness...

I like bowling. A lot. I used to go every week in college on Thursdays or Fridays ($1 a game) and I still try to go every few weeks if I can get out of work fast enough... People always ask who I go with so I'll get it out of the way and say I go alone and play anywhere from 6-10 games by myself...

Ever since I started bowling in college, there was always an elderly Japanese couple bowling together. I would guess they're in their 70s or maybe even 80s. We would make small talk here and there when we're next to each other on the lanes (the bowling regulars are very friendly) and they were always very polite and a joy to bowl next to... I always have a soft spot for really old couples that still seem to keep their love intact... Anyways, they got their lane next to me today and I haven't seen them in a while so we exchanged some small talk here and there. But I realized the grandpa wasn't speaking and had trouble finding his bowling ball and knowing when it was his turn to bowl. ***Now for all you non-bowlers out there, bowling etiquette is that you're never supposed to get on the lane and bowl if the person next to you is already on the lane ready to bowl. You're supposed to let them bowl first, then get up and bowl yourself. It's extremely annoying when bowling next to people who do not know bowling etiquette!*** Anyways, I would wait for him to bowl but he'd just stand there looking through all the balls and his wife would come up and tell him which one was his ball. Then he's spend more time trying to figure out how to put his fingers in the ball and his wife would literally put them in for him. After this happened a few times, she finally came over to me and whispered an apology for making me wait. She told me he developed Alzheimer's and isn't the same anymore... All I could do was merely express my condolences and let her know that I have all the time in the world and waiting wasn't a problem... She then went back to helping him find his ball and place his fingers inside it. It was incredibly sad and beautiful to watch her do this with a smile on her face, every single time...

I don't know what the point of this post is... I guess I just wanted to share it... I bowled terribly today but after that moment, I didn't bother looking up at the score again. Keeping score couldn't have been more unimportant...

Another Wedding...

I went to yet another wedding this weekend and before you even ask, yes, I went alone again you punks and it'll always be that way! The wedding was for my good friend from college (but knew him since 9th grade, maybe even earlier). I was honestly expecting the worst. It was a very Christian wedding so I thought it would turn into a long sermon and I'd have to sit there in the heat all dressed up in a suit (I hate dressing up). BUT it ended up being really short and I had an awesome time catching up with old college friends I hadn't seen since... well... college. It was nice to be greeted with smiles and hugs even after not seeing/speaking in such a long time.

Anyways, the point of this post isn't about catching up with old friends. It's no secret that I get pretty sentimental when it comes to certain things. I don't care if I cry watching some sappy ass movie or whatever so there were times during the wedding when I had to look away from certain "images" just to keep my composure. Then I thought to myself, why do these images or events make me feel this way when I don't even believe in love anymore? Well after some thought, the fact is, I don't believe in love FOR MYSELF, it doesn't mean I don't believe other people aren't capable of love. I always wish and want the best for couples I know and I hate hearing about breakups and divorces. So people, when I say I don't believe in love, please don't take it to mean I think you're stupid for being in a relationship and start giving me that evil eye...

Before I digress and ramble further, in honor of my good friend James and Leona's wedding:

"There are three stages.
1. Not loving and not being loved.
2. Loving and not being loved.
3. Loving and being loved.
Now, I tell you that the second stage is better than the first, but the third! That's it!"
- Vincent van Gogh

Congratulations on reaching stage 3 together. <3

Oh Such Ignorant Thoughts!

I lived such a straight life and I really believe in order to live such a life, you have to have a pretty straight and stubborn mindset. I used to believe people who get drunk and party every weekend were "bad" people and would be the "bad" type of friends to have in my life. Now I realize how ridiculously ignorant my thinking and non-logical-logic was.

Yes, I have gone out and partied with my friends more so in the past 2 years than I ever have before in my life. And the fact is, I have met so many people that are welcoming and friendly and I genuinely feel comfortable opening up to (which is very rare for me) the past 2 years than my previous 25-26 years combined. Now how can anyone that makes me feel so comfortable and happy be the "bad" type of friends to have? Because they smoke? Because they drink? Because they like to stay out late and go to bars or clubs on the weekends? Absolutely ridiculous and I feel so stupid I even felt that way. I used to always hear, "Tae is smart." Really? Because being able to read textbooks and remember the information well enough to pass tests doesn't seem that smart to me. I would prefer to hear, "Tae used to memorize things well, but he sure was stupid!" :)

The past couple of years have been so humbling for me. I'm glad life knocked me off of my high horse and I'm grateful to have met and befriended people who didn't judge me like I would have done had life not knocked me off. Difficult to believe that at the time, I was so angry and upset and confused and sad and felt like my life was ending... Now I realize it was just beginning.

Serious Thought but Not the Right Time

I was in Vegas this past weekend and was just sitting around with some friends joking and talking and drinking and just having a great time when one person actually asked a serious question: Being almost 28, where are we in our lives with our goals and life plans and whether we had accomplished any goals we set out when we were younger... Now the question immediately got dismissed by the group because 1. It was almost 4AM and 2. Majority of the group didn't seem to want to have serious discussions being completely sober in Vegas. However, I sat there and really thought about the question and tried to answer it for myself...

I certainly did have a checklist of goals I set out for myself when I was younger. It ranged anywhere from academic goals such as GPA or college to relationship goals such as the girl I date has to be this way or that way to career goals such as what I'd like to do or how much I thought I should be making... And when I felt like I was able to cross almost everything off that list at a certain age mark, I realized I was probably at the most miserable time in my life... Granted, maybe it was my approach in going about reaching the goals but still, I feel like we are so focused on goals and lists and numbers that we sometimes lose track of what's most important. I know that certainly has been the case for me and I've been learning and realizing as I go along...

To make the long answer as short as possible: At some point, I felt like I was very good at accomplishing the goals I had set out for myself. It was only later that I realized focusing too much on them and approaching it the way I did made me miserable and accomplishing the goals certainly didn't bring me any joy... Now, I choose to focus on today's list and this week's list rather than think much about goals and plans.

I haven't slept in over 60 hours. This entry probably makes absolutely no sense but there's no way I'm proofreading or giving this much more thought right now! :D

"You're so nice"

I really have no idea when or why people started saying that I was a nice person with a smile on my face at all times...

I just found this letter my mom wrote me on 7/7/2009... A little excerpt from the letter, translated as best as I can from Korean to English:

"Son, I have a favor to ask of you. Be a warm person. Not a calculating, cold person but a personable, real person. Be generous and sensitive. I wish you would be kind and be able to share and be charitable to others. I wish you would always smile and laugh..."

So I wonder... have I become that person my mom wanted me to be?

Or is it all an act...

I don't know.

LA Bound...

I purposely delayed writing another entry until the link to my blog got pushed off the front page of my Facebook. I figured if I write only because people read/comment, then I'd be writing for them and will probably eventually stop writing when I realize no one is reading my blog. So I decided to just write for myself and purposely waited until now.


Going to LA tomorrow for the 3 day weekend...

Someone asked me why I don't just move to LA since I go down so much. This entry will be more about why I go to LA rather than why I'm choosing not to move to LA.

Aside from the fact that I love my friends and I'm always concerned about my mom who lives alone in LA, I've recently come to realize that another (and growing) reason for such frequent visits wasn't any person or event or party at all. It was a feeling that planted itself in me before I even realized it: FEAR.

I've been meeting really great people (I think, anyway) and making friends (I hope, anyway) almost every time I've gone down to LA. The fear stems from the idea that if I don't continue my frequent trips, all the relationships I built with people I met will be lost and forgotten. We all know the ridiculous amount of 'friends' people have on Facebook and Twitter and TwitFace or whatever but seriously, how many of them are FRIENDS?

It wasn't only until I sat down and really thought about all my trips that I realized my fear was a pretty significant force behind all my trips. It also wasn't until I really thought about my friends and relationships that my FRIENDS will always be there, no matter how often I see them. This has been proven to me numerous times through my friendship with my best friend. I used to see the guy twice a year at most and there's never been a doubt that we're best friends, no, brothers. If I can keep and maintain such friendship with him, then I'm sure I can do the same with some (let's be realistic here, it won't be all) of the people I connect with during my trips to LA. And let's face it, if it doesn't happen then as cliche as it is to say this, it just wasn't mean to be...

I always feel like I have to condense my thoughts into a few paragraphs. I imagined this entry being a very long one (that's what she said) but felt the need to cut it down to make it readable? With that said, after this weekend, I won't be back down to LA for a while, until another 3-day weekend probably... So let's make it LEGEN... wait for it... hope you're not lactose intolerant... DAIRY!!!

Introduction to One Boring @$$ Blog

What is the best way to introduce a blog!?

I debated going right into all these thoughts running through my mind but decided a 10 page first post wouldn't be such a great idea...

My friend has a page where people can anonymously ask questions about anything and he chooses to answer if he wants to. I find this intriguing because I often find myself wanting to ask my friends or acquaintances questions that I normally wouldn't ask... But on the other hand, the anonymous poster will know me and my views on the topic while I know nothing about him/her... Eh, whatever.

With that said, I believe you can comment on this anonymously so feel free to ask away and I'll probably answer some of them. I say some because I assume most questions will be too immature for even my standards... but surprise me?