그남자

Lyrics in bold hit too close for comfort

한 남자가 그대를 사랑합니다
그 남자는 열심히 사랑합니다
매일 그림자처럼 그대를 따라다니며
그 남자는 웃으며 울고 있어요

얼마나 얼마나 더 너를
이렇게 바라만 보며 혼자
이 바람 같은 사랑 이 거지 같은 사랑
계속해야 네가 나를 사랑 하겠니

조금만 가까이 와 조금만
한발 다가가면 두 발 도망가는
널 사랑하는 난 지금도 옆에 있어
그 남잔 웁니다

그 남자는 성격이 소심합니다
그래서 웃는 법을 배웠답니다
친한 친구에게도 못하는 얘기가 많은
그 남자의 마음은 상처투성이

그래서 그 남자는 그댈
널 사랑 했대요 똑같아서
또 하나같은 바보 또 하나같은 바보
한번 나를 안아주고 가면 안 돼요

난 사랑받고 싶어 그대여
매일 속으로만 가슴 속으로만
소리를 지르며 그 남자는 오늘도
그 옆에 있대요

그 남자가 나라는 건 아나요
알면서도 이러는 건 아니죠
모를 거야 그댄 바보니까

얼마나 얼마나 더 너를
이렇게 바라만 보며 혼자
이 바보 같은 사랑 이 거지 같은 사랑
계속해야 네가 나를 사랑 하겠니

조금만 가까이 와 조금만
한발 다가가면 두 발 도망가는
널 사랑하는 난 지금도 옆에 있어
그 남잔 웁니다

가사...

Someday

언젠간 이 눈물이 멈추길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길

지친 내 모습이 조금씩 지겨워지는 걸 느끼면
다 버리고 싶죠 힘들게 지켜오던 꿈을
가진 것보다는 부족한 것이 너무나도 많은 게
느껴질 때마다 다리에 힘이 풀려서 나 주저앉죠

언젠간 이 눈물이 멈추길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길

기다리면 언젠간 오겠지
밤이 길어도 해는 뜨듯이
아픈 내 가슴도 언젠간 다 낫겠지

괜찮을 거라고 내 스스로를 위로하며 버티는
하루하루가 날 조금씩 두렵게 만들고
나를 믿으라고 말하면서도 믿지 못하는 나는
이제 얼마나 더 오래 버틸 수 있을 지 모르겠어요

날 이젠 도와주길 하늘이 제발 도와주길
나 혼자서만 이겨내기가 점점 더 자신이 없어져요

How Embarrassing.

What motivates you? What pushes you to do the things you do and what makes you want to become a better person?

I'll be COMPLETELY honest and admit to something I've always known but was never able to tell anyone. For a while now, a huge driving force in my life has been something along the lines of... vengeance, revenge, vindication.

"죽어도 다시는 누가 나보고 못난놈, 자기내들과 비교안돼는놈이라는 말을 못하게 위해서..."
(So that never again will someone be able to say to me that I'm below them, that I don't even compare to them...)

For a while, I was consumed by this thought. I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to be as perfect as I can be so that I can show them the terrible mistake they made. I thought that the best way to get revenge was to become the person that they never thought I could be and then some. I wanted to make them regret it and eat those words...


I recently watched a documentary called "Don't Cry, Tonj" with my mom. It's about a Korean man named Lee Tae-Seok who finishes medical school but decides to become a priest and chooses to live in a small town full of Hansen's (leprosy) diseased-patients in Tonj, Sudan. There, Father Lee provides the first clothes/shoes for the natives, builds the first hospital to save lives, builds the first school to provide education, creates the first brass-band to teach kids how to play instruments, and the list goes on and on. But unfortunately, with so many plans and goals still unfulfilled, Father Lee passes away at the very young age of 48 from colorectal cancer, the same cancer that took my stepdad... Forget all the communication barriers. The effect his death has on the people of Tonj and their reactions to it had my mom and I crying throughout the entire movie and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. Father Lee's actions were purely motivated by his love and desire to help people and I couldn't believe what one man was able to do for the people of Tonj...

After the movie ended, my mom just looked at me and asked...
"이런사람들보면, 우리 삶이 좀 부끄럽지않니?"
(When you see people like this, isn't our lives a little embarrassing?)

It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about the documentary and Father Lee. I couldn't help but think about why I still feel motivated by anger and vengeance and can't seem to forget and let go... But I will try my best.


Because yes. I am pretty f***ing embarrassed.

Weeklies?

For the most part, there is usually a topic/theme/subject to my posts but I'm debating just changing to a weekly update on my random thoughts of the week because... well... I had a lot of thoughts this week and wanted to get them down. But once I start writing, I tend to go on and on with my thoughts so I better stick to one topic for now.

Human Nature? - I think it's interesting that I find it so wasteful and 아까워 spending money on myself but I can easily blow through that amount and more when I'm spending it with my loved ones. I've debated buying myself an iPad for a while now but still think about how it costs ~$500 and can't get myself to pull the trigger, but I can easily spend multiple times that amount over a single weekend for a great friend's birthday?! Is the iPad worth that amount? MAYBE, depending on how much use you get out of it. Is the weekend celebrating with my loved ones worth that amount? DEFINITELY.

I used to save almost everything I made. Then one day when I felt like everything fell apart, all I had was money in my bank account and nothing else to show for it. I know some of you are probably thinking, "that's a bad thing? sounds like you're showing off." First, I'm not talking about some ridiculous amount of money here so relax. But more importantly, do you know what it feels like to have something but have no one to share it with? My best friend, who's obviously much wiser than I am, once told me, "we make and have money so that we can enjoy life, and enjoying life is spending/sharing/making memories with our loved ones." Let's assume you somewhat agree with this. Now imagine waking up one day and feeling like you have no loved ones. What does that money do for you now?

A lot of things in life work in cycles: the weather, the economy, etc. I believe this also applies to money. We'll go through times when everything seems to work out and we feel lucky, but we'll also go through times when nothing seems to work out in our favor. I love being able to treat my friends when I can but I also believe that there will be a day when I can really use and need a friend to buy me a Subway sandwich. Will you be there in my time of need?

I know a VERY few people who can answer 'yes' to this question without hesitation. This thought makes me sad... and happy...

2011

I guess it's time for the obligatory new year's resolutions. We all make them, most of us don't accomplish all of them, some of us even forget what our resolutions were by the end of the year.

So here's mine that come to mind, in order of importance(?) and degree of difficulty from 1~10 (1 being the easiest).

1. Pay off my mom's house. [2]

2. My Schedule
Minus the occasional weekends in LA, stay on this schedule until my test in June. This is more like a necessity for me to actually pass my test AND learn more Mandarin without just half-assing it. [10]

3. Be more direct, straightforward, and open. I've always been a private person who keeps almost everything to myself and deal with thoughts/emotions alone so I really admire people who are direct and honest, people who don't talk in round-about-ways and aren't afraid to say they like/dislike something. [7]

4. Take more risks and don't get too comfortable. I'm young and ambitious. I should take myself out of my comfort zone from time to time, try new things, and take more (smart) risks in life while I can. [6]

5. Work out and stay active in a smarter way. This doesn't mean exercise more or less, but exercise smarter, listen to my body, and stop being too stubborn. [5]

6. Start dating. Maybe. I do miss having someone from time to time... but I still question my ability to be a great person/fit for anyone. [10]


Good Bye 2010.

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