As We Come to a Close...

Random thoughts and updates for the week+, in no particular order. 

1. Officially started trading for the new fund on Tuesday. It's been exhausting but I love being completely immersed in my work and my level of concentration and focus has been through the roof, if I can say so myself. But as soon as the closing bell rings, it hits me that my eyes are incredibly sore and I can physically feel the stress in the back of my neck/head.

2. As I get older, I realize that I need to go to LA often NOT to spend time with my friends, but to spend more time with MY MOM. I admit that for the most part, my trips have been more about spending time with friends and I even went many times without even telling my mom and spent entire weekends at a friend's house. My mom is the only family I have and it's scary how fast time flies. I promise to myself that I will never make "secret" trips down to LA again. And please, pardon me if I want to stay home from time to time.

3. I've never 'heard' so many "happy birthday"s in one day. I usually delete them from my wall ASAP but decided to leave them from now on. Thank you all for the posts, I appreciate every single one of them.

4. There are a lot of really good people around me and I continue to meet good, solid people. I had so much fun tailgating at the UCLA vs Cal game and found myself asking (again), "Why don't I hang out with these guys more?!"I really plan and hope to, if they let me.

5. Remember a while back, I was half-jokingly debating joining an online dating site? Well my friend told me about a free site so I worked up the courage and actually made a profile, complete with a couple pictures. I haven't really looked much because I can think of 37 better things to do with my free time but I did receive a couple unsolicited messages from seemingly normal girls and they even have all their limbs. I'll be honest, it was a nice little confidence booster but I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do next. O_o

6. I recently saw some friends that I haven't seen in a really long time (since elementary, high school, etc) and there's always that warm feeling you get when you see them and they seem genuinely happy to see you.

7. I was trying to schedule an MRI for my shoulder at the UCSF Sports Medicine Group and the lady helping me asks, "Will your mother or father accompany you?" Then she asks how old I am and says, "Oh my~" Hahaha, I was wearing just a hoodie and jeans but come on, lady... But thank you. ^^

8. My friends have been jokingly(?) commenting about my arms and I HONESTLY did not realize they were getting that big until I saw the pictures. But really, I think the pictures add a few pounds, right?! Either way, I will tone/slim it down. :(

9. I'm ridiculously independent and being the only child, have spent most of my life being perfectly fine doing things and being alone. But I couldn't help this thought come across my mind this past week - spent my birthday alone, went to the hospital alone to be told that I need surgery, thinking about going to get surgery alone then coming home alone... I can honestly say that this thought didn't make me sad, it really just made me smile and shake my head... at myself. :)

10. Even with #9, I feel like I'm at a pretty good place right now and feel optimistic about things to come. I was listening to this song below (yes, I know it's old) and these words jumped out at me - "when I say I'ma do something I do it... I'ma be what I set out to be... And I just can't keep living this way... so starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage... I FEEL AMAZING AND I'M NOT AFRAID." Yea, you could say my confidence level is on the high side right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s&ob=av2n

I Love Me

A while ago, someone anonymously commented on my blog with the advice, "이기적인게 가끔필요해. 좋은말론, 자신을 더 많이 사랑하도록 해봐." Translation: "You sometimes need to be selfish. To put it nicely, love yourself a lot more."


I find this advice to be more true as I get older. You have to be selfish at times, love yourself the most and in the end, you have to do what's best for you. Obviously, I'm not saying be completely selfish and don't love or do anything for others. But you can't live your life FOR another person, you have to live for yourself and find happiness for yourself. Now what makes us happy differs for us all but I think putting ourselves in this mindset and truly believing that our actions are self-serving will make everything easier.

Example 1. After a breakup, we often find ourselves resenting our exes and saying things like, "but I did this and this FOR him/her and I really didn't want to do it!" Hey, I've been there. We've all been there and probably said something similar. But ultimately, that's on us for doing something we really didn't want to do so why blame and criticize someone we sincerely cared about? Now what if we think about it in another way, that we did things for OUR happiness and didn't think of it as doing something FOR our ex? I can say I did things for girls I've dated that I didn't really want to do (for example, go eat something I don't really want to eat) but I can honestly say that it was more for MY happiness because when we like someone, the simple idea that we're the ones who can make them happy makes us happy (cheesy, I know). So even after a breakup, instead of resenting our ex and complaining that we did things we didn't want to do, we can say, "sure, it was uncomfortable but I did it because it made me happy and I don't regret it and don't resent him/her at all."

Example 2. Again after a breakup and after the initial resentment, we often find ourselves blaming ourselves for the breakup, losing our confidence and asking questions like, "what did I do wrong" or "what's wrong with me". Now unless it's crystal clear that you're really the one who messed it all up, another way to think about it is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. By learning to love ourselves instead of blaming ourselves, we can simply say, "we just weren't compatible. I'm a pretty good catch and I'm sure I'll meet someone who I'm compatible with." Again, no finger-pointing and blaming yourself because the reality is, you probably are a good catch and there's someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are.

Example 3. Careers. You have to be selfish here and do what makes you happy, not your parents and not your friends. We all know people who constantly complain about their jobs. Yes, your parents want you to be a doctor/lawyer but can you really do something you don't like doing every day for the next 30-40 years because "it pays the bills"? You get one shot at life and that seems like a very miserable way to live, if you ask me. I understand not all of us are blessed with being able to do what we love to do but please, don't do something you HATE doing.


There's actually a reason for this post. It's been a really odd month and I find myself giving this advice to quite a few friends lately due to a variety of reasons. Being able to take care of my friends actually makes me very happy but I'm honestly not sure if I should be the go-to-guy for advice and talks. But I can honestly say that I have been trying to follow the advice of the anonymous commenter and I do find myself happier and more at ease with my life so it seems like the best I can do now is to just share the advice with you.

Love yourself, be selfish at times. It's your life, you should be your first priority.

아이처럼

아이들은 참 아름답다... 외모를 말하는게 아니라 아이들의 마음 말이다... 솔직함. 믿음. 소망.

아이들은 스펀지 같다... 모든걸 듣고, 믿고, 흡수하고, 빨아드려 버린다. 사실 너무 믿어서 아이들에게 제일 먼저 가르치는게 모르는 사람들을 믿지 말고 따라가면 안돼는것...

어른들은 아니다... 너무 많은걸 의심하고, 너무 많은걸 수상해 한다... 살면서 거짓말 당하고, 사기 당하고, 믿는 사람한테 배반당하고, 좋아하는 사람한테 상처받고... 그래서 믿음을 잃고, 이기적이게 돼고, 어릴때 소망도 잊어버리고... 

나도 마찬가지다... 거짓말 당해서, 배반당해서, 상처받아서... 믿음을 잊고, 이기적이게 돼고...  그리고 그 번명으로 남에게 상처주고...

하지만 내 소망, 꿈은 아직 간직하고 있다... 그래서 다시 아이 처럼 믿고 싶다... 내 꿈을 이루려면 믿음이 필요하기 때문에... 사람에겐 믿음이 필요하기 때문에... 이 세상엔 믿음이 필요하기 때문에...

가시나무

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ewe9n__oe5Q

가시나무
작사,곡: 하덕규

내 속엔 내가 너무도 많아 당신의 쉴 곳 없네
내 속엔 헛된 바램들로 당신의 편할 곳 없네
내 속엔 내가 어쩔 수 없는 어둠 당신의 쉴 자리를 뺏고
내 속엔 내가 이길 수 없는 슬픔 무성한 가시나무 숲 같네

바람만 불면... 그 메마른 가지 서로 부대끼며 울어대고
쉴곳을 찾아 지쳐 날아온 어린 새들도 가시에 찔려 날아가고
바람만 불면... 외롭고 또 괴로워 슬픈 노래를 부르던 날이 많았는데

내 속엔 내가 너무도 많아서 당신의 쉴 곳 없네


This song really touched me. When I heard it for the first time yesterday, I felt like I was watching a montage of my life go by in slow motion. It made me reflect back on my past, my thoughts, actions, my behavior and relationships with people.

My friend always told me, "you don't give people a chance." Looking back, I really didn't have any room left in myself to give people a chance to come inside because I was too full of myself... too full of my own sorrows, my own pride, my own bitterness, my own sense of entitlement... And if someone happened to get close, I took my issues out on them and probably hurt them so they'd never come back.

I sometimes try really hard to remember how I spent 2009 but I honestly can't remember too much of it. I don't know if some of the memories I have are from 2009 or 2010 or maybe some other year. Only thing I can tell people is that I made the most amount of money that year but by the end of it, I had spent it all and didn't have anything to show for it. Maybe it'll all come to me one day... Or maybe it'll forever remain lost somewhere in my mind...

This isn't meant to be another emo post. The song just made me reflect and I wanted to get it down somewhere...

*edit* removed last few lines from the original post. If you caught it before I removed it, congratulations. :)

만남... 그리고 이별...

난 또 이별이 있더라도 꼭 아름답게 사랑하고 더 아름답게 보내고 싶다...언제든지 마음에 준비를 해두면 가능한 일이겠지... 근데 이별의 마음을 준비하고 시작을하는 나는... 아직 다 고쳐지진 안았나보다...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmQttohVrp0

웃어는 주자 행복했다면
두 뺨 가득히 눈물 흘러내려도
붙잡진 말자 사랑했다면
눈물 날만큼 사랑했음 된거야

주저 앉을 듯이 견뎌보고
금방이고 죽을 듯이 울다보면
또 하루가 간다

내 손으로 보낸다 내가 너를 보낸다
돌아오지 말아 행복하게 살아
살아가다 한 번쯤 누가 나를 묻더라도
아무렇지 않기를 그냥 웃어주기를

아쉬워 말자 진실했다면
우리 사랑은 오래 기억 될테니
그리워 말자 미워도 말자
못 견딜 만큼 사랑했음 된거야

주저 앉을 듯이 견뎌보고
금방이고 죽을 듯이 울다보면
또 하루가 간다

내 손으로 보낸다 내가 너를 보낸다
돌아오지 말아 행복하게 살아
살아가다 한 번쯤 누가 나를 묻더라도
아무렇지 않기를 그냥 웃어주기를

이 세상이 끝나고 저 하늘이 있다면
그때 다시 사랑하자 둘이
죽기 전에 한 번쯤 누가 우릴 묻더라면
추억이라 해두자 그 쯤이라 해두자

사랑 그 쓸쓸함에 대하여

beautifully written. on repeat tonight


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=El-YnYkXKF0&feature=related

도무지 알 수 없는 한가지 
사람을 사랑한다는 그일
참 쓸쓸한 일인 것 같아

Words to Live By

말은 성실하게 하라. 
행동은 공경스럽게 하라. 
음식은 절도있게 먹으라.
글씨는 반듯하게 써라.
용모는 단정하게 하라.
옷매무새는 깨끗하게 하라.
걸음거리는 편안하게 하라.
거처는 조용하게 하라.
일은 계획을 세워 시작하라.
말을 하였으면 반드시 실천하라.
늘 덕성을 견지하라.
허락은 신중이 하라.
착함을 보면 내 일처럼 기뻐하라.
나쁨을 보면 내 병처럼 미워하라.

To SEE the Big Picture

In trading, we have a "% winners" number. This is the percentage of profitable positions you have in your book/portfolio during a specified time frame. Now a 60% winners is VERY good given how some of us hold positions in over a thousand names. This usually leads to a very good year and a very happy trader. 


Now outside of trading, why do we focus so much on the other 40%, or even a much smaller number like 10%, 5%, or even 1% that's considered negative? 


I am and have always been my own harshest critic and always try to hold myself up to a very high standard. Some have called me a perfectionist and some have called me an elitist but to be honest, all it really means is that I stress myself out way too much trying to bring that 40% down to 0%. I've lived this way for a while now and probably won't change but what I really am trying to change is holding other people up to the same standard. Instead of focusing on the things people aren't doing, I want to focus more on the big picture. If someone makes you happy 9 times out of 10, is there a need to focus so much on that 1 time when you're not perfect yourself? When someone is a positive influence in your life 95% of the time, why dwell and stress about the other 5% when there's no guarantee that anyone in this world can make you happier?


Looking back at my past relationships, I was incredibly selfish and immature... I apologize to everyone and I'm grateful for all the lessons I've learned. I also apologize in advance if my selfishness and immaturity surfaces from time to time. I'm trying. 


한 장 잎사귀에 사로잡이면, 나무를 볼수 없고, 한 그루 나무에 사로잡이면 숲을 볼수 없다. 어디에도 마음을 두지않고, 돌아볼지도 말고, 전체를 보아라. 그 것이 아마도 '본다' 는 것이겠지. 

(For my friends who said my blog is racially discriminatory due to all the Korean, here's a rough translation. "If you focus on one leaf, you can't see the tree. If you focus on one tree, you can't see the forest. Don't focus anywhere, don't turn around, and see the whole. That is probably what it means to 'see'")

Pattern

I've been thinking... If there really is a pattern, then it probably and simply goes like this:

[beginning] -> [story] -> [end]

I'm guessing the [beginning] and [end] are pretty similar in all patterns.




So I intend to write the most beautiful [story]

and therefore, create the most unique and beautiful pattern to date.

Random Funny Chat with College Buddy

James: I thought you might like this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU86MQcd_sQ&feature=feedf

me: ?

James: She's like an Incheon Representative (Gov't)

but also a popular writer

i randomly came across it

but thought her word of advice was pretty good.

me: why do you think I'll like it?

(watching it now)

James: cuz you're so driven to succeed

me: hmmmm

me: it makes sense, what she's saying

James: yea she said it so succinctly

so i liked it

me: yea... concept is simple and easy to understand

putting it to practice is the difficult part

James: it made me think of ur retarded thumb

after practicing bowling so much

(that nigga's crazy)

hahah

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: i'm glad you remember my bowling thumb shekki

James: haha yea i was like...damn that nigga's "ba bo gat chee mee chul suh"

정신차리자

The reason why some of my blog posts are in Korean is that I feel like it's a more emotional language, if that makes any sense... I think certain Korean words carry more emotion and depth but maybe I'm just saying this because I'm a FOB... But really, what's the English word for 정??? Anyways, this post isn't about languages, this is just a warning that the meat of the post is in Korean. With that said...

오늘은 진짜 이상한 날이다. 잊혀진줄 알았던 감정들이 돌아오고, 고친줄 알았던 철 없는 생각들도 잠시 돌아왔다... 그야마 잠시동안만 머물러서 다행이지...

오늘은 진짜 웃을라고 노력한 날... 그래도 지금은 행복한것갔다...

내일 부터 다시 정신차리자.

Letters from a Wise Woman

My mom usually writes me a letter every couple months and they always make me think about myself.

She always encourages me and makes me feel like she's proud of me. She also always tells me to be happy and to never make money my goal... But what's crazy is that it feels like she still sees right through me even though we haven't lived together in about 11 years and that's a long time to be apart and still know someone inside out. I feel this way because she still gives me advice on my way of life (even though she doesn't see it) and points out parts of my personality that I should try to change or work on (even though I try my best to hide it).

Anyways, here's the end excerpt from the most recent letter:

"태이야, 너는 외롭게 살지말고 친구도 많이 만나면서 폭넓은 대화도 나누고 넓은 시야를 가지렴.
그리고 무엇보다도 건강이 우선이니 라면 그만 먹고 영양식으로 잘 챙겨먹도록 해라.
엄마는 네가 가슴이 따뜻한 사람이면 좋겠다. 사랑한다 내 아들."

I'm grateful to have been raised and continue to be raised by such a wise woman. It's a constant battle to remain modest and humble with all my awesomeness (^^v) but her letters always remind me that I have many, many flaws.

Advice to Lovers

해본적 있나요 by KCM

지금 사랑하는 그 사람 있나요?
사랑하고 있다면 (후회없이) 아낌없이 정말 잘해줘요
한시도 슬프지 않게 혼자서 외롭지 않게 해요 (곁에 없어도)
혼자라고 느끼지 않게 해줘요 (좋은 추억 많이 만들어줘요)
가슴 벅차오르게 (함께 할 땐 소중함을 몰라요) 이제야 깨달아요
때론 눈물나게 가슴 아플 때 내 사랑에 조금 지칠 때 맘에도 없는 말로 큰 상처 주지 마요
서로 사랑하는 거 그게 사랑이란 걸 늦게 알게 되면 더 아픕니다
이제껏 흘러내린 내 눈물보다 더 많은 눈물 흘린대도
가슴 속에 새겨진 내 사랑이라면 눈물 없는 사랑은
세상에 없다는 걸 처음 받은 사랑 잊지말아요.
많이 정신없이 바쁜 일 있어도 문자나 전화쯤은 (자주 해요)
사소한 실수는 웃고 넘겨요 과거에 집착말아요. 누구와 절대 비교 말아요
(따듯하게) 작은 고민까지도 함께해줘요 (둘만의 믿음 잃지 말아요)
항상 기댈 수 있게 (갈대처럼 흔들리지 말아요) 한결같은 맘으로
때론 눈물나게 가슴 아플 때 내 사랑에 조금 지칠 때 맘에도 없는 말로 큰 상처 주지 마요
서로 사랑하는 걸 그게 사랑이란 걸 늦게 알게 되면 더 아픕니다
이제껏 흘러내린 내 눈물보다 더 많은 눈물 흘린대도
가슴 속에 새겨준 내 사랑이라면 눈물 없는 사랑은
세상에 없다는 걸 처음 받은 사랑 잊지말아요
그땐 몰랐어요 사랑인걸 이젠 너무 늦은 건가요
많이 어렸나 봐요 사랑인 줄 모르고 늦게 알아서 정말 미안해요.




네, 해본적 있어요. 그리고 웃을수 있어요... :)

Thoughts.

Not typical of my usual postings but more of a recap of what's been going on and quick thoughts that are running through my mind.

1. I have yet another exam tomorrow, series 56. Shouldn't be a problem but still, I feel like I take too many exams in life. Oh, and updating your blog the day before an exam always feels right.

2. Had lunch with my older sis today (really good friend who I call my older sis, I confide in her and tell her everything). We used to work together at my old company and she's the only person in my life, other than my mom, who tells it to me straight, even if it's negative. She told me today, "I don't understand why they chose you for that job. When you're working, you're an incredibly bitter bitch and mean." The funny thing is, she's the one who hired me at my old company haha. A couple other things she told me before that come to mind right now - "You go from being incredible hulk to incredible sulk", "You can be incredibly charming when you want to be but you choose to be a dick" and "As I watched you play X-Box, I asked myself 'how does he ever pull women?'". I love her.

3. The human mind is so so fickle. I should be appreciative and content that I'm having a really good month at work but instead, I'm still kicking myself over the day I cost myself $120k and think, "it could have been even more!" I hate this about myself.

4. Vegas in a couple of days. I was initially nonchalant about it but now I'm excited. I'm going to secretly use the trip as a celebration of my new job and passing my exam.

5. I live my life in a very structured, robotic way. My nickname is a robot... So let's try to be a little crazy and out there from time to time.

6. I recently realized that being nice and humble really doesn't accomplish much. People will say you're a good person for it but those are just words. I think I've had more people take advantage of it (not sure if it's done on purpose or not) than something good happen from it. So I'm just going to be not-so-nice and say I'm awesome.

7. I've been trying to be more open and direct because I really don't like wasting my time. But I understand that this may sometimes make me come off differently than I intend to. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm just trying to save time.

8. I'm still very black and white when it comes to people. If I decide that I don't like you, it's too late and it's hopeless for you. I don't care if you realize it late.

9. I didn't forget about blogging my ghetto car wash experience. I just need some time to get in the right mindset and mentally put myself back in that environment.

10. 이상하게 끌려. 그냥 너가 누구지 알고싶은데 너무 시간이 없는것갔다. 어짜피 모르는 사람, 좋으면 낭이고 아니면 남인데...

Wake Up Call

I had a serious chat session with my friend today and he told me that he admired my ability to stay focused and constantly move forward with my life. I don't know if I can agree with his praise but I do appreciate the compliment. To be completely honest, I've heard similar compliments before from friends. I've been told I'm someone who "just gets sh*t done" or the "Godfather" because I just quietly take care of business. These are all too high of a praise for me but I appreciate them because it becomes a self-fulfilling compliment for me. It's like I somehow became this responsible friend that they can rely on and it's this very reason that motivates me stay focused and hopefully, continue being that friend. But this post really isn't about patting myself in the back...

It seems like a lot of people I know are in some kind of a funk these days... and by funk I mean some odd/weird/negative/depressing situation.

One of my best AND worst abilities is to completely cut out people, no matter how close they are, from my life without hesitation and I don't take back my decision once it's made. It's my best ability because it allows me to completely separate myself from negative people/situations but it's also my worst because it really shows my cold-hearted and have-no-emotions nature (my friends also call me a "robot" because I have no heart). I know I just jumped from people being in a funk to my ability but they're related because the next part goes out to the aforementioned people.

If you're in a funk and are HONESTLY trying your best to remedy your situation, don't hesitate to come to me and I will try my best to play that "Godfather" role and be there for you. I will drag you out and carry you on my back if I have to. You are NOT a burden.

BUT if you're one of those people who come to me just to complain and ask for advice you have no intention of heeding, then don't bother. You are wasting your time and more importantly, you are wasting mine. I can't stand people who just complain and look for an easy way out without trying their best to remedy the situation. I am cold-hearted and I WILL cut you out of my life because you're doing absolutely nothing but trying to drag me down with you.

I know this post seems like some kind of a threat but it's not meant to be. It's my sick and twisted way of motivating you to try harder. Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're trying your absolute hardest to get out of your funk? My guess is no.

So give yourself a slap and wake the F up.

Real Life

Just got back from LA yesterday. The topic of this entry was on my mind all Sunday/Monday and I wanted to write it as soon as I got back while the thoughts were still clear but I really needed to get some rest before going back to work... so let me just jump right in now.

This past weekend, I FELT change. It's something I always knew was happening and will happen, it's inevitable... but this is the first time I actually FELT it in a big way and it caught me by surprise.

MY FRIENDS ARE ALL GROWING UP, GETTING OLDER, AND MOVING FORWARD WITH THEIR LIVES.

As we grow older, our priorities naturally shift, they have to. I felt like the days of "friendship all day, everyday" is now behind us as our careers, relationships, responsibilities, etc. take precedence. I'm obviously not saying we can never have those days again but an overwhelming bittersweet feeling took hold of me...

Bitter because I relied on my group of friends so much over the past couple years as my escape and they all helped me so much when I was down... and I realize now that I'd have to pick and choose the right times to see and hang out with them, maybe individually, rather than expecting to see everyone all at once every single time I came down.

Sweet because I genuinely believe they are really growing up and moving on to bigger and better things. The road may be bumpy at times but a step forward is a step nonetheless... I also believe that not hanging out with my friends as often doesn't say anything about the strength of our friendship.

To my friends: Some of you are one of the few constants in my life - no matter how little I see or talk to you, you are always there for me and I will always be there for you. Some of you are pleasant surprises - I never expected such kindness from you when you don't even know me well. Some of you are just friends - I realize now that you will never be that great friend I had hoped you would be, no matter how hard I try. But all of you are my friends... and as I now hope to also move forward with my life, I will try my best to appreciate the times we spend together as much as possible because they may be fleeting as we grow beautifully old together.

And as my friend told me this past weekend - "I don't want you to become just another memory."

Secret Garden

So I finally got around to watching 'Secret Garden' that everyone (ok, mostly girls) talked about back in... yea...

I can't believe I'm writing an entry after 'Secret Garden' but some parts of the series really got me thinking... Oh and I almost let June fly by without an entry so there, that's my excuse for writing this entry.

The K-drama is basically about a wealthy guy meeting a poor girl and they fall in love, typical stuff. The part I found interesting was that there's a scene where the guy tells the girl that he knows they won't work out because she's not right for him but he still wants to see her because he finds her interesting and can't get her out of his mind... The reason I found this scene interesting is that my thinking is COMPLETELY opposite! If I meet a girl and think it won't work out, I'll avoid her on purpose even if I find her interesting and want to get to know her better. I'll even go as far as convincing myself that it won't work out like I already know the future or something. I think my friend put it best today when she told me, "you don't give people a chance."

Another scene, actually just a quote, that I really liked was "오는 여잔 막지말고 가는 여잔 잡지말아야죠. 오는 여잔 고맙고 가는 여잔 더 고맙죠." Again, I'm pretty opposite meaning - 난 오는 여잔 다 막거든~

There's really no point to this entry except that I watched it, enjoyed it, recommend it if you have some time to kill. But I realized I can't even watch a mindless drama without thinking too much... UGH.

But if there's one point I'm trying to emphasize, it's this:

이제부턴 오는 여잔 하나도 막지 말아야징~~~ ㅋㅋㅋ 장난(?)

In all seriousness... I should start giving people a chance...

잊혀지지 않는 사람...

이 글을 쓸까말까 많이 고민했다...
근데 어차피 이건 나를 위한 공간 이고 읽는 사람도 별로없으니까 괜찮겠지...


이 노래 듣고 눈물을 흘렸다

아직 어리지만 살다보면 사랑하는 사람과도 해어져야할때가 있다는걸 나는 배웠다... 그땐 그녀를 위해 떠나는거라며 내 자신을 설득했지만 많이 아팠지...

하지만 더 아픈건 시간이 흘러도 그게 오른 선택이였는지 아직까지 모르는 나... 조금만 더 노력했으면 괜찮았을까 하는 나...

잊어버렸다고 생각해도 잊혀지지 않는 사람... 잊을라고 노력해도 잊혀지지 않는 사람...

이젠 잊을라고 노력하지않고, 좋은 추억만 소중하게 간직하고 살고싶다...

Personality Trait #231

I was exchanging some texts with a friend on Friday night (because I don't really talk on the phone) about how we both had no plans for the night and here's kind of how it went:

Me: Oh I don't really do anything 90% of the time here in NorCal.
Him: Dude you should call me up whenever you want to hang out.
Me: Yea, I don't really initiate plans with people. If my friends call me and I'm free, I'll go out to hang out unless it sounds really uninteresting but I almost never initiate the plans.
Him: Why??? You need to initiate man.

The reason I don't initiate comes down to 2 main reasons.
1. I really just don't mind staying home, I always find something to keep myself busy and these days, I can use and want the study time.
2. The subject of this post - MY PERSONALITY.

Now I decided to blog about this because I sometimes hear it from my friends that I never call to hang out with them, especially when I'm in LA. I'm sure some of my friends think that I just don't want to hang out with them or I'm busy or I'm too popular and don't have time for them (my favorite). These, especially the last one, couldn't be more wrong. It's just my personality to not really initiate plans with people unless I'm deathly bored or have something specific in mind. I almost never have any weekend plans and it just comes down to who, if anyone, asks me to hang out first. So please don't be or act butthurt if I'm in town and don't call/initiate to see you. People usually know when I'm in town through my Facebook page. I know that may sound a little ridiculous but if you're a FB user and honestly never visit my FB page, then that probably also means that you don't really care whether I'm in town or not so I think it's fair.

My thoughts have a tendency to run wild so this whole post got me thinking... THIS is probably why I've almost always ended up dating girls who are the initiators or the "aggressors" as some would say. Combine my frustrating(?) personality with the fact that I'm clueless with girls naturally leads me to date girls who are more direct and assertive. Examples? I never even kissed my 1st girlfriend... and my 2nd girlfriend had to literally sit on me and kissed me and later told me she thought I would never kiss her first... HAHA anyways...

This post is kind of a half-hearted apology if I've made you feel like I don't want to hang out with you. Half-hearted because I don't want to make anyone feel that way but it's also my personality and makes me who I am...

Oh, but girls who are TOO aggressive, that's just a little scary/intimidating and makes me not want to hang out with you.

Anti-Smoking Campaign

So I've been on this mini anti-smoking rant lately to some of my friends. I think it started after having a serious discussion with my friend about the sad fact that non-smokers seem to be a rarity now, especially in K-town. But I'm not writing to say smoking is good or bad, I'm writing to say having a preference for non-smokers is exactly that, a PREFERENCE.

I feel like some people think that I (or anyone who prefers to have non-smoking gfs/bfs) am passing judgment on them because they smoke and this couldn't be more wrong. Some of my closest friends smoke and they are some of the kindest, awesomest people I've ever known and I love them dearly. Does it bother me that they smoke? No. Do I think any less of them because they smoke? Absolutely not. Do I wish they quit smoking? Yes, because I want all my friends to be as healthy as they can be. But as soon as I say something like "I don't want to date a girl that smokes", some people get all defensive and fight back saying things like "smoking doesn't make them bad" or "but they're really nice and smart" or "don't judge them because they smoke" and on and on and on... My response to this is: ALL I SAID WAS I DON'T WANT TO DATE A SMOKER! I never said anything about smokers being bad people or not nice or not smart or that I was judging them! I just personally really don't like the smell or taste of cigarettes so I would rather not have to smell or taste it if possible. It's my preference.

So don't get all unnecessarily offended when I'm just stating my preference. What's the difference between saying "I don't want to date a smoker" and "I don't want to date someone with a missing arm/leg" and "I don't want to date a videogamer"?! They're all preferences people have and it's not wrong to have them. (I threw in the last one because I used to be a big videogamer and have heard girls say that before hahaha).

You know... this used to be a rule of mine. I have NEVER had a girlfriend that smoked. I recently debated letting it slide because it seems like almost everyone I meet now smoke and some of them are awesome and I find them interesting... but I decided that this would be me settling and caving in and I don't want that... so I'm still going to keep it a rule.

On a somewhat related note: I am SO digging girls with short hairstyles these days. Another rule of mine used to be that a girl needed to have straight, long hair... but that's gone completely out the window. A girl who looks good with short hair takes the spot now so rules can change.

But the non-smoker rule is here to stay.

So short-haired non-smoking girl = automatic +2 points.

Damn, I sound really picky.

I am.

오늘같은 날엔...

진짜 오늘같은 날엔...

나를 꽉 안아주고 다 괜찮다고 자상하게, 진심으로 말해주는 마음 착한 여자친구 한명 곁에있었으면 좋겠다. 잘 못마시는 술도 같이 마셔주면서 애교떨며 내 기분 풀어주는 그녀... 그런 여자라면 나도 진짜 잘해줄 자신있는대...

노래 가사처럼, 친한 친구에게도 못하는 얘기가 많은 바보같이 소심한 나... 그런 여자라면 나도 진짜 편하게 내 마음 다 털어놀 자신있는대...

오늘은 그냥 누구랑 있는대로 취해보고싶지만... 여기엔 그럴만한 친구들도 없는거갔다....

난 혼자 있는것을 좋아하지만... 오늘같은 날엔 힘들다...

그남자

Lyrics in bold hit too close for comfort

한 남자가 그대를 사랑합니다
그 남자는 열심히 사랑합니다
매일 그림자처럼 그대를 따라다니며
그 남자는 웃으며 울고 있어요

얼마나 얼마나 더 너를
이렇게 바라만 보며 혼자
이 바람 같은 사랑 이 거지 같은 사랑
계속해야 네가 나를 사랑 하겠니

조금만 가까이 와 조금만
한발 다가가면 두 발 도망가는
널 사랑하는 난 지금도 옆에 있어
그 남잔 웁니다

그 남자는 성격이 소심합니다
그래서 웃는 법을 배웠답니다
친한 친구에게도 못하는 얘기가 많은
그 남자의 마음은 상처투성이

그래서 그 남자는 그댈
널 사랑 했대요 똑같아서
또 하나같은 바보 또 하나같은 바보
한번 나를 안아주고 가면 안 돼요

난 사랑받고 싶어 그대여
매일 속으로만 가슴 속으로만
소리를 지르며 그 남자는 오늘도
그 옆에 있대요

그 남자가 나라는 건 아나요
알면서도 이러는 건 아니죠
모를 거야 그댄 바보니까

얼마나 얼마나 더 너를
이렇게 바라만 보며 혼자
이 바보 같은 사랑 이 거지 같은 사랑
계속해야 네가 나를 사랑 하겠니

조금만 가까이 와 조금만
한발 다가가면 두 발 도망가는
널 사랑하는 난 지금도 옆에 있어
그 남잔 웁니다

가사...

Someday

언젠간 이 눈물이 멈추길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길

지친 내 모습이 조금씩 지겨워지는 걸 느끼면
다 버리고 싶죠 힘들게 지켜오던 꿈을
가진 것보다는 부족한 것이 너무나도 많은 게
느껴질 때마다 다리에 힘이 풀려서 나 주저앉죠

언젠간 이 눈물이 멈추길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길

기다리면 언젠간 오겠지
밤이 길어도 해는 뜨듯이
아픈 내 가슴도 언젠간 다 낫겠지

괜찮을 거라고 내 스스로를 위로하며 버티는
하루하루가 날 조금씩 두렵게 만들고
나를 믿으라고 말하면서도 믿지 못하는 나는
이제 얼마나 더 오래 버틸 수 있을 지 모르겠어요

날 이젠 도와주길 하늘이 제발 도와주길
나 혼자서만 이겨내기가 점점 더 자신이 없어져요

How Embarrassing.

What motivates you? What pushes you to do the things you do and what makes you want to become a better person?

I'll be COMPLETELY honest and admit to something I've always known but was never able to tell anyone. For a while now, a huge driving force in my life has been something along the lines of... vengeance, revenge, vindication.

"죽어도 다시는 누가 나보고 못난놈, 자기내들과 비교안돼는놈이라는 말을 못하게 위해서..."
(So that never again will someone be able to say to me that I'm below them, that I don't even compare to them...)

For a while, I was consumed by this thought. I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to be as perfect as I can be so that I can show them the terrible mistake they made. I thought that the best way to get revenge was to become the person that they never thought I could be and then some. I wanted to make them regret it and eat those words...


I recently watched a documentary called "Don't Cry, Tonj" with my mom. It's about a Korean man named Lee Tae-Seok who finishes medical school but decides to become a priest and chooses to live in a small town full of Hansen's (leprosy) diseased-patients in Tonj, Sudan. There, Father Lee provides the first clothes/shoes for the natives, builds the first hospital to save lives, builds the first school to provide education, creates the first brass-band to teach kids how to play instruments, and the list goes on and on. But unfortunately, with so many plans and goals still unfulfilled, Father Lee passes away at the very young age of 48 from colorectal cancer, the same cancer that took my stepdad... Forget all the communication barriers. The effect his death has on the people of Tonj and their reactions to it had my mom and I crying throughout the entire movie and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. Father Lee's actions were purely motivated by his love and desire to help people and I couldn't believe what one man was able to do for the people of Tonj...

After the movie ended, my mom just looked at me and asked...
"이런사람들보면, 우리 삶이 좀 부끄럽지않니?"
(When you see people like this, isn't our lives a little embarrassing?)

It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about the documentary and Father Lee. I couldn't help but think about why I still feel motivated by anger and vengeance and can't seem to forget and let go... But I will try my best.


Because yes. I am pretty f***ing embarrassed.

Weeklies?

For the most part, there is usually a topic/theme/subject to my posts but I'm debating just changing to a weekly update on my random thoughts of the week because... well... I had a lot of thoughts this week and wanted to get them down. But once I start writing, I tend to go on and on with my thoughts so I better stick to one topic for now.

Human Nature? - I think it's interesting that I find it so wasteful and 아까워 spending money on myself but I can easily blow through that amount and more when I'm spending it with my loved ones. I've debated buying myself an iPad for a while now but still think about how it costs ~$500 and can't get myself to pull the trigger, but I can easily spend multiple times that amount over a single weekend for a great friend's birthday?! Is the iPad worth that amount? MAYBE, depending on how much use you get out of it. Is the weekend celebrating with my loved ones worth that amount? DEFINITELY.

I used to save almost everything I made. Then one day when I felt like everything fell apart, all I had was money in my bank account and nothing else to show for it. I know some of you are probably thinking, "that's a bad thing? sounds like you're showing off." First, I'm not talking about some ridiculous amount of money here so relax. But more importantly, do you know what it feels like to have something but have no one to share it with? My best friend, who's obviously much wiser than I am, once told me, "we make and have money so that we can enjoy life, and enjoying life is spending/sharing/making memories with our loved ones." Let's assume you somewhat agree with this. Now imagine waking up one day and feeling like you have no loved ones. What does that money do for you now?

A lot of things in life work in cycles: the weather, the economy, etc. I believe this also applies to money. We'll go through times when everything seems to work out and we feel lucky, but we'll also go through times when nothing seems to work out in our favor. I love being able to treat my friends when I can but I also believe that there will be a day when I can really use and need a friend to buy me a Subway sandwich. Will you be there in my time of need?

I know a VERY few people who can answer 'yes' to this question without hesitation. This thought makes me sad... and happy...

2011

I guess it's time for the obligatory new year's resolutions. We all make them, most of us don't accomplish all of them, some of us even forget what our resolutions were by the end of the year.

So here's mine that come to mind, in order of importance(?) and degree of difficulty from 1~10 (1 being the easiest).

1. Pay off my mom's house. [2]

2. My Schedule
Minus the occasional weekends in LA, stay on this schedule until my test in June. This is more like a necessity for me to actually pass my test AND learn more Mandarin without just half-assing it. [10]

3. Be more direct, straightforward, and open. I've always been a private person who keeps almost everything to myself and deal with thoughts/emotions alone so I really admire people who are direct and honest, people who don't talk in round-about-ways and aren't afraid to say they like/dislike something. [7]

4. Take more risks and don't get too comfortable. I'm young and ambitious. I should take myself out of my comfort zone from time to time, try new things, and take more (smart) risks in life while I can. [6]

5. Work out and stay active in a smarter way. This doesn't mean exercise more or less, but exercise smarter, listen to my body, and stop being too stubborn. [5]

6. Start dating. Maybe. I do miss having someone from time to time... but I still question my ability to be a great person/fit for anyone. [10]


Good Bye 2010.

벌써 2년... 그땐조금이랬었지...