Post-Vacation Thoughts

I recently got back from a short vacation to Hawaii with a couple friends. We did what three guys would do on vacation: relax, bond, eat, drink, and act stupid at times. I also personally spent a lot of time thinking about my life... the past, the present, but not so much about the future because I learned in life that no matter how hard you try to plan out your future, life doesn't really work out the way you intended.

Anyways, one very broad conclusion I came to is that I waste a lot of time and energy in a lot of different ways. It could be anything from wasting energy on meaningless "friendships" or wasting time by thinking too much about "relationships" or never getting around to doing that one thing I always told myself I'd do. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I think way too much about things and somehow end up justifying my wasting-time-actions. I know I'm being pretty vague here but I don't really want to get into the specifics or give examples supporting my thoughts. The conclusion is that I'm trying to be more straightforward, open, and stop wasting so much time on meaningless, mundane tasks.

So the first couple things I did when I got back? I signed up for Mandarin I class at the UC Berkeley Extension and I also signed up for the CFA Level II Test for June 2011. I signed up for the test for 2010 but didn't even end up taking the exam because... well, I wasted a lot of time and never got around to studying for it... I honestly don't know how or if I'll be able to squeeze all this in while trying to keep up with my physical activities so wish me luck.


On a side note: A girl told me I'm TOO nice. I believe her exact words were "You're TOO nice. You'd be hotter if you were a dick." I've considered switching to dick-mode but I'm not sure that's a good idea. If I end up being dickish to you and you don't like it, I apologize in advance.

Conflict: Good Son Bad Son?!

I just gave my mom $5k so she can travel to Korea to visit her sister and my cousins and to get some much needed dental work for herself. We've both never been back since we came here when I was 7 so I'm excited and happy for her. I guess that's me trying to play the role of the good son...

But what about what I want?! My life's goals and dreams? I told myself I'd only work in this stressful environment for 5 years before pursuing my goals and dreams. It's now been 5 years and I see no end in sight. Don't get me wrong, my mom is absolutely amazing and she gave up her life for me so it's my duty and privilege to do the same for her and she never asks anything of me... but I'm starting to feel like this responsibility and life is starting to wear me down...

I'm just venting. I've had a ridiculous migraine for the past two days, took literally 18 pills of Excedrine/Ibuprofen/Advil in the past 48 hours and slept less than 7. I think I deserve to vent once in a while. I wish I could scream but no one would hear me anyway.

Touched by an Angel(s)

You know... with my history of judging people and thinking I'm all high and mighty and at one point, having almost no friends at all, I'm constantly amazed and feel so lucky to be surrounded by amazing friends and people in my life now...

I met Liz and Lori on a business trip to Chicago a couple years ago. They worked in my company's Chicago office and they were nice enough to introduce themselves and take me out to dinner with some other office peeps when I visited. I really didn't think much of it then, I thought it was office politics and they were just trying to make people from the San Francisco office feel welcomed.

Then a few months later, my stepdad passed away. And a couple weeks after that I received a random HUGE box just filled with food, snacks, candy, letters, and most importantly, LOVE. It was from Liz and Lori. They found out about my stepdad's passing through one of my coworkers and sent me a ridiculously giant care package. I honestly couldn't believe it at the time... Two people who I just met for a day or two showed so much more care and love than some people I had known for what feels like a lifetime...

I was in Chicago for work and play recently and again, I was amazed at Liz and Lori's generosity and kindness. Liz literally wiped off whatever was on her schedule for the weekend and drove me around everywhere and bought me lunch/dinner and even let me stay with her and her boyfriend for the entire weekend! And Lori currently lives in Hawaii but was in town for a visit and brought me chocolates and coffee from Hawaii in addition to buying me lunch/dinner in Chicago! And honestly, it's no easy feat buying me food when we go out so we literally fought for the checks, had a foot race to pick up pizza, secretly paid our waiter before anyone noticed, and many more shenanigans... Oh and they picked me up and dropped me off at the airport too...

Long story short... Elizabeth and Lori, THANK YOU. I can honestly never thank you enough and you guys are two of the most kind-hearted people in the world. I wish I can be even half as good of a friend to you guys as you guys are to me. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Bowling Sadness...

I like bowling. A lot. I used to go every week in college on Thursdays or Fridays ($1 a game) and I still try to go every few weeks if I can get out of work fast enough... People always ask who I go with so I'll get it out of the way and say I go alone and play anywhere from 6-10 games by myself...

Ever since I started bowling in college, there was always an elderly Japanese couple bowling together. I would guess they're in their 70s or maybe even 80s. We would make small talk here and there when we're next to each other on the lanes (the bowling regulars are very friendly) and they were always very polite and a joy to bowl next to... I always have a soft spot for really old couples that still seem to keep their love intact... Anyways, they got their lane next to me today and I haven't seen them in a while so we exchanged some small talk here and there. But I realized the grandpa wasn't speaking and had trouble finding his bowling ball and knowing when it was his turn to bowl. ***Now for all you non-bowlers out there, bowling etiquette is that you're never supposed to get on the lane and bowl if the person next to you is already on the lane ready to bowl. You're supposed to let them bowl first, then get up and bowl yourself. It's extremely annoying when bowling next to people who do not know bowling etiquette!*** Anyways, I would wait for him to bowl but he'd just stand there looking through all the balls and his wife would come up and tell him which one was his ball. Then he's spend more time trying to figure out how to put his fingers in the ball and his wife would literally put them in for him. After this happened a few times, she finally came over to me and whispered an apology for making me wait. She told me he developed Alzheimer's and isn't the same anymore... All I could do was merely express my condolences and let her know that I have all the time in the world and waiting wasn't a problem... She then went back to helping him find his ball and place his fingers inside it. It was incredibly sad and beautiful to watch her do this with a smile on her face, every single time...

I don't know what the point of this post is... I guess I just wanted to share it... I bowled terribly today but after that moment, I didn't bother looking up at the score again. Keeping score couldn't have been more unimportant...

Another Wedding...

I went to yet another wedding this weekend and before you even ask, yes, I went alone again you punks and it'll always be that way! The wedding was for my good friend from college (but knew him since 9th grade, maybe even earlier). I was honestly expecting the worst. It was a very Christian wedding so I thought it would turn into a long sermon and I'd have to sit there in the heat all dressed up in a suit (I hate dressing up). BUT it ended up being really short and I had an awesome time catching up with old college friends I hadn't seen since... well... college. It was nice to be greeted with smiles and hugs even after not seeing/speaking in such a long time.

Anyways, the point of this post isn't about catching up with old friends. It's no secret that I get pretty sentimental when it comes to certain things. I don't care if I cry watching some sappy ass movie or whatever so there were times during the wedding when I had to look away from certain "images" just to keep my composure. Then I thought to myself, why do these images or events make me feel this way when I don't even believe in love anymore? Well after some thought, the fact is, I don't believe in love FOR MYSELF, it doesn't mean I don't believe other people aren't capable of love. I always wish and want the best for couples I know and I hate hearing about breakups and divorces. So people, when I say I don't believe in love, please don't take it to mean I think you're stupid for being in a relationship and start giving me that evil eye...

Before I digress and ramble further, in honor of my good friend James and Leona's wedding:

"There are three stages.
1. Not loving and not being loved.
2. Loving and not being loved.
3. Loving and being loved.
Now, I tell you that the second stage is better than the first, but the third! That's it!"
- Vincent van Gogh

Congratulations on reaching stage 3 together. <3

Oh Such Ignorant Thoughts!

I lived such a straight life and I really believe in order to live such a life, you have to have a pretty straight and stubborn mindset. I used to believe people who get drunk and party every weekend were "bad" people and would be the "bad" type of friends to have in my life. Now I realize how ridiculously ignorant my thinking and non-logical-logic was.

Yes, I have gone out and partied with my friends more so in the past 2 years than I ever have before in my life. And the fact is, I have met so many people that are welcoming and friendly and I genuinely feel comfortable opening up to (which is very rare for me) the past 2 years than my previous 25-26 years combined. Now how can anyone that makes me feel so comfortable and happy be the "bad" type of friends to have? Because they smoke? Because they drink? Because they like to stay out late and go to bars or clubs on the weekends? Absolutely ridiculous and I feel so stupid I even felt that way. I used to always hear, "Tae is smart." Really? Because being able to read textbooks and remember the information well enough to pass tests doesn't seem that smart to me. I would prefer to hear, "Tae used to memorize things well, but he sure was stupid!" :)

The past couple of years have been so humbling for me. I'm glad life knocked me off of my high horse and I'm grateful to have met and befriended people who didn't judge me like I would have done had life not knocked me off. Difficult to believe that at the time, I was so angry and upset and confused and sad and felt like my life was ending... Now I realize it was just beginning.

Serious Thought but Not the Right Time

I was in Vegas this past weekend and was just sitting around with some friends joking and talking and drinking and just having a great time when one person actually asked a serious question: Being almost 28, where are we in our lives with our goals and life plans and whether we had accomplished any goals we set out when we were younger... Now the question immediately got dismissed by the group because 1. It was almost 4AM and 2. Majority of the group didn't seem to want to have serious discussions being completely sober in Vegas. However, I sat there and really thought about the question and tried to answer it for myself...

I certainly did have a checklist of goals I set out for myself when I was younger. It ranged anywhere from academic goals such as GPA or college to relationship goals such as the girl I date has to be this way or that way to career goals such as what I'd like to do or how much I thought I should be making... And when I felt like I was able to cross almost everything off that list at a certain age mark, I realized I was probably at the most miserable time in my life... Granted, maybe it was my approach in going about reaching the goals but still, I feel like we are so focused on goals and lists and numbers that we sometimes lose track of what's most important. I know that certainly has been the case for me and I've been learning and realizing as I go along...

To make the long answer as short as possible: At some point, I felt like I was very good at accomplishing the goals I had set out for myself. It was only later that I realized focusing too much on them and approaching it the way I did made me miserable and accomplishing the goals certainly didn't bring me any joy... Now, I choose to focus on today's list and this week's list rather than think much about goals and plans.

I haven't slept in over 60 hours. This entry probably makes absolutely no sense but there's no way I'm proofreading or giving this much more thought right now! :D